Zits, Sensitivity, and Self-Care
Tonight, I'm feeling defeated. By a zit.
A lot of zits, actually. I'm 28 and I have cystic acne. The past few days, it's gotten painful. I look awful. I feel like a walking pizza. I gross myself out when I look in the mirror or see myself on camera. This is becoming physically and emotionally unbearable.
Of course, I have a million other things running through my mind as well. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the last time I was physically attacked by my abuser. I have a handful of assignments due tonight and I just can't focus. I have bills piling up, people I need to call, decisions to make, things to clean...
I've also been allowing myself to open up, emotionally. Instead of trying to force myself to be "productive" and try to fit into the boxes I think other people want me to, I've been sitting back a little, listening, watching, learning, understanding. I'm letting myself be sensitive again: to everything. It's interesting how my brand of emotional sensitivity isn't so much that I can feel everything other people feel, as deeply as they feel it. Instead, I'm starting to see that I can read people, sense who they are, what they're feeling, what their patterns and tendencies are and why. Of course, I'm just barely starting to explore this sensitivity and perceive it as a gift rather than a curse.
One of the results of accepting and allowing my sensitivity is that I see a lot, and when I try to process it intellectually, I get overwhelmed by information. It can be paralyzing. My codependently-wired brain starts tugging my focus away and begs for a distraction, some relief from the discomfort of seeing so much, of feeling responsible somehow for everything that I see.
So, I see a lot. I'm trying to understand a lot of emotionally intense information about myself and others after trying to avoid intense emotions most of my life. I feel responsible for that information, for sorting it in just the right way so that I can remember and make good decisions with it. I also feel responsible for all the "mundane" tasks I have to do, like cleaning, keeping track of appointments, doing homework, etc. And I'm also trying to figure out what to do with memories of psychological and emotional trauma, from many years and multiple people.
I'm not falling apart, surprisingly. I'm not curled up in a corner trying to just breathe. The discomfort and fear are simmering under the surface, bubbling gently in some hidden cavity in my chest, easily kept under control. I'm not entirely sure whether this calm is due to some low-level depression and its corresponding unconcern and denial, or to the fact that I'm healing and becoming more whole all the time, the result of which is that I am increasingly reassured that deadlines, memories, and pain don't have to kill me. The overwhelm is still there, threatening to push its way out and start gnawing at me. For now, at least, I can soothe it away.
On the other hand, this zit...it might be the tipping point in my debate over whether to finish my homework or switch to self-care mode. The real question is, will I feel that self-care is necessary because I feel like a victim? Or because it's genuinely time to take care of myself?
A lot of zits, actually. I'm 28 and I have cystic acne. The past few days, it's gotten painful. I look awful. I feel like a walking pizza. I gross myself out when I look in the mirror or see myself on camera. This is becoming physically and emotionally unbearable.
Of course, I have a million other things running through my mind as well. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the last time I was physically attacked by my abuser. I have a handful of assignments due tonight and I just can't focus. I have bills piling up, people I need to call, decisions to make, things to clean...
I've also been allowing myself to open up, emotionally. Instead of trying to force myself to be "productive" and try to fit into the boxes I think other people want me to, I've been sitting back a little, listening, watching, learning, understanding. I'm letting myself be sensitive again: to everything. It's interesting how my brand of emotional sensitivity isn't so much that I can feel everything other people feel, as deeply as they feel it. Instead, I'm starting to see that I can read people, sense who they are, what they're feeling, what their patterns and tendencies are and why. Of course, I'm just barely starting to explore this sensitivity and perceive it as a gift rather than a curse.
One of the results of accepting and allowing my sensitivity is that I see a lot, and when I try to process it intellectually, I get overwhelmed by information. It can be paralyzing. My codependently-wired brain starts tugging my focus away and begs for a distraction, some relief from the discomfort of seeing so much, of feeling responsible somehow for everything that I see.
So, I see a lot. I'm trying to understand a lot of emotionally intense information about myself and others after trying to avoid intense emotions most of my life. I feel responsible for that information, for sorting it in just the right way so that I can remember and make good decisions with it. I also feel responsible for all the "mundane" tasks I have to do, like cleaning, keeping track of appointments, doing homework, etc. And I'm also trying to figure out what to do with memories of psychological and emotional trauma, from many years and multiple people.
I'm not falling apart, surprisingly. I'm not curled up in a corner trying to just breathe. The discomfort and fear are simmering under the surface, bubbling gently in some hidden cavity in my chest, easily kept under control. I'm not entirely sure whether this calm is due to some low-level depression and its corresponding unconcern and denial, or to the fact that I'm healing and becoming more whole all the time, the result of which is that I am increasingly reassured that deadlines, memories, and pain don't have to kill me. The overwhelm is still there, threatening to push its way out and start gnawing at me. For now, at least, I can soothe it away.
On the other hand, this zit...it might be the tipping point in my debate over whether to finish my homework or switch to self-care mode. The real question is, will I feel that self-care is necessary because I feel like a victim? Or because it's genuinely time to take care of myself?
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