A Bushel and a Peck

Feeling the loneliness tonight. Often when I feel lonely, it's tinged with anger, resentment, or fear. Tonight it's just a quiet sadness. I know I'll be just fine. I know I'm loved. I'm not in despair. Sometimes I just miss having a partner. And that's okay. This is a raw, pure human emotion and I don't have to fight it. It's interesting that the way I experience my own emotions is shifting. Being honest with myself about them and accepting them, rather than fighting them, makes it easier to be compassionate with myself and let the emotions pass when it's time. It's a much more peaceful way of existing. So yes, I'm lonely and I'm a little sad. But I'm not angry or desperate, and that is a big change for me. I am grateful.

I came to the conclusion, as a child, that emotional vulnerability (being honest about my deepest emotions - both with myself and with others) just got in the way of relationships. I didn't have anyone to teach me how to deal with the strong emotions I had (including anxiety) - as much as my parents love me, they just didn't have the tools, and I don't blame them! Most of us don't. At any rate, I decided, at a young age, that my deep emotions were problematic and I needed to shut them off. I'd let myself feel the shallow versions of those feelings - I could name and understand those - but I couldn't figure out the deeper emotions that sometimes surfaced and I was afraid to try to explain them to anyone else, for fear of being ostracized, rejected, brushed off, misunderstood. I learned to stay disconnected from those as much as I could. As I got older, I still had anxiety - still had those deep emotions I was sort of giving place for, but not acknowledging or...

Three years ago today, Baby Girl was born. Sweet Boy woke up crying and I went to comfort him. Contractions started at 7 am. At 8, I woke you up to tell you I thought I was in labor. You mumbled a sleepy reply and grabbed your phone to tell your boss you wouldn't be coming into work today. At 9, we said goodbye to Sweet Boy and headed to my midwife appointment. She told me I was in labor and I should head to the hospital. We said we were going to get some snacks first. She looked at us like we were crazy. We laughed. At 10, we went to the grocery store to get some snacks. I stopped every few minutes to relax and breathe through a contraction. We joked around and enjoyed our last little bit of newborn-free time together. At 11, we were in the hospital. I was getting tired. You talked me through Hypnobirthing scripts to help me relax. You told me I was doing great. You asked me if I needed anything. You told me I could do this. You held my hand. I was glad you were there. ...

I think one reason I don't like crying in front of other people is that my tears are evidence of powerful emotions - emotions that are sacred to me. I don't care to share those with just anyone. I don't want to invite people into my soul. But crying seems to make people think they are wanted or needed in my soul. Here's the thing though - there are very, very few people I trust to see my soul. Very few. I can intellectualize all day about what I'm learning and the things that I feel. I can be kind of vulnerable in a lot of ways. But my soul? I share that with hardly anyone. I don't trust anyone with it. I love that beautiful, bright, powerful part of me but I don't feel that anyone else knows how to appreciate it the way it deserves to be appreciated. So I hide it. Even from myself, most of the time. I apologize when I cry in front of other people partly because I've trained myself to believe that other people are uncomfortable with my emotions. But ...