About Me

Welcome! My name is Kara. 

I'm a single mom of two brilliant little humans and a dog mom to one of the sweetest hounds you'll ever meet. 

Since my divorce in early 2017, I've been intensely focused on growing, healing, and understanding myself. This blog has been a place for me to process all the crazy. 

Thanks for being a witness to my journey. I'm glad you're here with me.

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Indifference

Some part of my brain tells me that indifference is power. Indifference is power. Interesting concept. I think I came to that conclusion because the people who have hurt me most are people who I cared about deeply and who acted indifferent to me. So in my mind, if I'm hurt or angry, acting like I don't give a shit is the best way to retaliate. I know it's really not, but in the moment, it makes me feel powerful, in control, capable of hurting someone else as much as I've been hurt. Hurt --> Anger --> Attempt at indifference --> Sabotaging relationships --> More hurt Anxious-avoidant attachment style. It's what I do, I guess. I see the pattern. I see how I can start to change it. But fear and pain make me want to stay here. I'll figure it out eventually.
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"Easy Buttons" over God

Glennon Doyle Melton has a book called Love Warrior. In it, she talks about "easy buttons" - things we turn to when we feel lonely or afraid. Things like drugs, alcohol, food, Facebook, or sex. These things are easy to do and they keep us from feeling the pain.  I've been pushing lots of "easy buttons" this week. I've been spending a LOT of time on Facebook, trying to lose myself in various books, sleeping, staying up late texting people, eating junky food. I've been feeling a lot of low-grade loneliness and fear. I have holes in my soul, as we all do, but I'm meant to fill those holes with connection - with Love - not with easy buttons.  I'm meant to connect with God and with other people. To love and be loved. Real love is not easy connection - it's real, deep, vulnerable, honest connection. Being real, vulnerable, honest, and deep with other people (Heck, even with myself. Maybe especially with myself) scares the crap out of me.  ...
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Fighting Codependent Mommy

Sweet Boy peed on the floor. Again. Because he was angry with me. He seems to have a sixth sense for what will piss me off and goes right for the jugular when he's upset with me. I know that this is supposedly "just a thing" that kids do, but at times like this, it feels obscenely personal. I had gotten him out of the tub, apparently before he was ready, and he yelled that he was just going to keep getting back in. So I nudged him out the door and locked it so I could finish cleaning up the tub stuff. I was just muttering to myself that he was probably going to start threatening to pee, when I heard liquid hitting the floor outside the door. I lost it. I opened the door, smacked his butt, and yelled, "This is NOT okay!! Never okay!" I took him over to his bed, spanked him again, and yelled some more. I was livid. I am so sick of him peeing whenever he feels like he isn't getting his way. This is so hard for me, because it's about control. From t...
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