A Bushel and a Peck

Some part of my brain tells me that indifference is power. Indifference is power. Interesting concept. I think I came to that conclusion because the people who have hurt me most are people who I cared about deeply and who acted indifferent to me. So in my mind, if I'm hurt or angry, acting like I don't give a shit is the best way to retaliate. I know it's really not, but in the moment, it makes me feel powerful, in control, capable of hurting someone else as much as I've been hurt. Hurt --> Anger --> Attempt at indifference --> Sabotaging relationships --> More hurt Anxious-avoidant attachment style. It's what I do, I guess. I see the pattern. I see how I can start to change it. But fear and pain make me want to stay here. I'll figure it out eventually.

Pain. Struggle. Confusion. These are things I've tried to run from every chance I had. Over the past year, I've opened myself up to pain. Become much more willing (consciously, intellectually) to sit with pain. If I had clarity, a decent understanding of my pain, I could handle it. If I knew exactly where my pain was coming from and/or where it was taking me, I could find power and purpose in the pain. Struggle? I'm starting to become more okay with struggle: with pushing and fighting and moving forward even when things are hard. Again, this is easier if I have a clear purpose and a reasonable hope of success. Confusion...I realized tonight that this has been a really difficult one for me. I can put myself through pain and struggle if I know where I'm going and where I'm coming from. But when I'm unsure of the end result? If I don't know why I'm struggling or in pain? If I'm not positive it'll be worth it? It's agony. I lose my ne...

An interesting thing I've noticed about grief... You get to a point where you count on it. Every day that you wake up feeling good, you automatically start searching your mind for why you shouldn't feel so good. When you finally hit on the thing that hurts, you think, "Ah, there you are." Your stomach sinks a little, your body feels heavier, your heart pinches painfully. This is a stage where you no longer feel like you're constantly drowning in the grief (though you still have those moments), but it's always quietly present - a beautifully dark backdrop to the play of your life. At this point in the grieving process, you see that you've come to count on this heavy, achy feeling to ground you. You don't feel fully real without it. It's not that you necessarily want to be sad forever, but rather that your grief makes you deeper, more connected to the earth and to the rest of the human race. As painful as the grief has been, you also wouldn't...

Maybe all this time, I told myself I couldn't handle my pain Because people around me couldn't seem to handle it. And so I built a fence around it, To keep myself away from it. And I built a fence between me and everyone else. To keep them away from me Away from my pain. As much as I feared getting close to my pain, I didn't want anyone telling me how to handle it. It's my pain, not yours. If you can't handle it, If you can't respect it, Don't even try to touch it. Don't touch me.