Indifference

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Some part of my brain tells me that indifference is power.

Indifference is power. Interesting concept. I think I came to that conclusion because the people who have hurt me most are people who I cared about deeply and who acted indifferent to me.

So in my mind, if I'm hurt or angry, acting like I don't give a shit is the best way to retaliate. I know it's really not, but in the moment, it makes me feel powerful, in control, capable of hurting someone else as much as I've been hurt.

Hurt --> Anger --> Attempt at indifference --> Sabotaging relationships --> More hurt

Anxious-avoidant attachment style. It's what I do, I guess. I see the pattern. I see how I can start to change it. But fear and pain make me want to stay here.

I'll figure it out eventually.

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