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I Want Me

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I've always been afraid that people wouldn't want me. Divorce seems to be the ultimate confirmation of that fear. But tonight, I realized that I have always kept myself small, limited - I've prevented myself from being a whole person - because I wanted other people to like me. I'm tired of folding up my soul. It's possible no one else wants my whole heart, mind, and soul - the deep, beautiful, unique masterpiece that those things comprise. It's entirely possible there is not a single person on this earth who wants all of that. Except for me. Tonight I sat in my car and cried. Cried because I hurt over being turned away. Cried because I realized that, throughout my entire marriage - throughout my life, really - I was never whole. Never. I always kept myself small in an effort to please other people - in an effort to make myself wanted. I cried because I realized that Stephen didn't reject the true me. He rejected the small me. The piecemeal me. The mirr...
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Lost Balloons

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Tonight, my daughter lost a balloon. We were at a school activity for my son, and as we prepared to go home, both children begged for a helium-filled balloon. There was only a handful of them left, so we ambled over to the biggest bunch and asked if we could have a couple. The PTA helper smiled and handed me a pair of orange-handled scissors so I could snip off a purple one for Baby Girl and a blue one for Sweet Boy. Both kids squealed with delight as I handed them their balloons and thanked the PTA helper for obliging us. Before we walked away, I turned and bent down to speak seriously to my children. "Okay, guys. If you lose your balloon, we can't come back for another one, so hold on tight. Don't let them float away." This was followed by choruses of, "I won't!" and "I'll hold on super tight!" I smiled and felt a little twinge in my heart as I watched their joy, praying that they could keep hold of these little bits of latex they sud...
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Damn You

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Afraid Lost Lonely Unworthy Trapped Alone Disliked Disgusting Irritating Stupid Burdensome Less than Foolish Insignificant Never enough You made me feel - through words and actions - that I was all of these things. Damn you for breaking my mind and my heart. You, who were supposed to love and cherish me more than anyone. You, who were supposed to work by my side and build great things with me. Instead, you knocked me down as often as you could. And you tied my heart strings into a noose if I didn’t love you enough in return. You didn’t know how to live without feeling superior to everyone else. Even me. Maybe especially me. I’ve rebuilt so much of me, but some pieces are still cracked, missing, fragile. I trusted you and you did your best to make me more broken than you were. I gave you my nervous, loving heart and you ripped it up with your bare hands, just to make yourself feel better for a little while. Damn you for that.
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Coming into My Own

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Perhaps I've been so timid my whole life that people don't believe I can (or even want to) take care of myself. I know I often haven't believed I was capable. I've let other people take care of me because I didn't have confidence in myself. I let them think the way they were supposed to love me was by taking care of me. That's kind of how I learned to receive love in the first place... "You can't take care of yourself, so I'll take care of you. You can't make good decisions, so I'll make them for you. You aren't strong/smart/competent enough to live your life, so I'll tell you how to live. Don't trust yourself, trust me." If I wanted people to love me, I had to stop trusting myself and let them tell me what to do. I had to play dumb and jump through hoops. I had to give up what felt right to me so I could feel "safe" with the people around me. It became a very unhealthy lifestyle, but I didn't know it...
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Pattern

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Broken Falling Turning Over and over Writhing Bleeding Peeling off my own skin Get me out of this worthless prison How did I get trapped here again? Discarded Discard myself before you can Let you know I know my own worthlessness Promise to try to make up for it Just please love me Please I fall short Always I'm sorry. I'll just go Give up Break again Rescued Again I hate myself for it Again Begrudging rescue is almost like love It's close enough that I'll settle for it But resent myself all the while For being so pathetic Who taught me to love this way? Guarded requests Expecting rejection Scrambling for crumbs Trying not to count on them Trying not to believe I deserve them Hoping I can someday find a way to earn them So I can stop hating myself Vulnerable I hate that word Weak Helpless Unlovable Undesirable Stupid Pathetic Burden These are the feelings I've associated with vulnerability Being "vulnerable"...
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Choosing my Word for 2018

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I've chosen a word for the year. No resolutions or jumbles of seemingly unrelated goals. Just a single word to center my efforts, thoughts, and feelings around. My word is POWER. Between Christmas and New Years, I began thinking on what word I wanted to choose for 2018 and couldn't decide on anything. I'd been struggling with a little anxiety and found myself thinking the phrase, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear..." over and over. This is something people have told me periodically throughout my life, when I try to explain the anxiety I've so often experienced. "God doesn't speak to us through fear..." How I wanted to believe that! But the fear I regularly experienced was almost tangible - I couldn't just be making all of this up! And what if I chose to tell myself I was just being silly and it turned out that was  God's way of speaking to me? What if I missed something important? At any rate, I decided to look up th...
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My Worst Subconscious Belief

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Deeply rooted belief/fear I'm finally coming to terms with: "I'm emotionally alone in the world and always will be. I don't deserve to have anyone consistently care about my emotional needs." Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch!! Naming and examining this subconscious belief is so painful. I've spent SO much time and energy trying to escape from this painful hole in my heart. I've spent SO much time and energy vacillating between seeking people's love and shutting them out. I've spent SO much time in emotional "survival mode" that I couldn't really live my life. Emotional support is a basic human need. Basic. Especially in our "first world" society, where physical survival is not a constant issue for most of us, emotional wellbeing is huge. I've essentially been depriving myself of seeking out emotional support because I've been so afraid of what will happen if I trust someone and they betray me. At the first hint of the ...
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Shame is Bullshit

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Shame doesn't work. It just doesn't. Stop trying to fix yourself with shame. It's bullshit. Surrender. Let yourself be where you are. Let yourself feel what you feel. You don't need shame and it won't do a damn thing for you. You don't owe "functioning" to anyone. Screw people who say you do. Your worth does not depend on what you can do for others. Love yourself in spite of what you can do for anyone else. Be a rebel. Shame keeps you rooted to the spot. And this spot is hell. Get yourself out of here. ---------------------------------------------- I wanted to add... I wonder if my vehemence in times like this confuses people. I'm generally a pretty gentle, patient person. But shame is a huge problem for me, and if I try to be gentle as I fight it, I will continue to lose. Shame is one of my most fearsome enemies. It's kept me so small for so long. It keeps me from loving, serving, doing good. I need to be vehement, f...
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