My Worst Subconscious Belief
Deeply rooted belief/fear I'm finally coming to terms with:
"I'm emotionally alone in the world and always will be. I don't deserve to have anyone consistently care about my emotional needs."
Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch!! Naming and examining this subconscious belief is so painful.
I've spent SO much time and energy trying to escape from this painful hole in my heart. I've spent SO much time and energy vacillating between seeking people's love and shutting them out. I've spent SO much time in emotional "survival mode" that I couldn't really live my life.
Emotional support is a basic human need. Basic. Especially in our "first world" society, where physical survival is not a constant issue for most of us, emotional wellbeing is huge. I've essentially been depriving myself of seeking out emotional support because I've been so afraid of what will happen if I trust someone and they betray me.
At the first hint of the tiniest bit of emotional danger, I start shutting down and shutting people out, ever so slightly. Sometimes, though, I smell emotional danger and throw my walls up like a crazy person. I withdraw as much as I can and try to keep people at a distance with the weapons of anger and resentment. I start numbing myself and telling myself I don't care.
I am so afraid of being emotionally alone, but I'm also used to it enough that I'd often rather stay in my cold and empty place than risk getting warm and comfortable with someone, only to let them suddenly shove me back out into the cold. I've felt that that kind of abrupt rejection has been much harder to deal with than the numbness of consistent loneliness.
This is so, so hard for me. Now that I'm not so numb anymore, the loneliness is getting painful again. Now that I've started to warm up various parts of my soul, everything is thawing out and old wounds are starting to throb again.
This has been confusing to me. "What hurts?? Nothing crazy has happened to make me hurt like this. What's going on?" But I've been setting aside my numbing and escape tactics, and my pain is being laid wide open.
Ouch. Holy crap this hurts. But I'm not drowning in it. The benefit of thawing out my soul is that I'm thawing the strong parts too - the wise parts, the parts that hold my faith and love and hope.
I'm still afraid and still hurting, but my eyes and mind are much more clear than they ever have been before. I don't have to lose myself to this fear and pain. I can hear them and soothe them. But I don't have to let them take the throne. That's where Faith and Logic and Love sit.
Fear and Pain are subjects, not monarchs. Their input is helpful, but I won't let them make my decisions anymore. I can listen to them, embrace them, and thank them without giving them control of the kingdom.
I'm lonely. And that hurts. But I will figure out how to let people in, in a healthy way.
I CAN do this. There is no doubt in my mind that I can do it, with God's help and the help of those who have walked this path before me.
I can. And I will. I am powerful, and my God is even more so.
❤
"I'm emotionally alone in the world and always will be. I don't deserve to have anyone consistently care about my emotional needs."
Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch!! Naming and examining this subconscious belief is so painful.
I've spent SO much time and energy trying to escape from this painful hole in my heart. I've spent SO much time and energy vacillating between seeking people's love and shutting them out. I've spent SO much time in emotional "survival mode" that I couldn't really live my life.
Emotional support is a basic human need. Basic. Especially in our "first world" society, where physical survival is not a constant issue for most of us, emotional wellbeing is huge. I've essentially been depriving myself of seeking out emotional support because I've been so afraid of what will happen if I trust someone and they betray me.
At the first hint of the tiniest bit of emotional danger, I start shutting down and shutting people out, ever so slightly. Sometimes, though, I smell emotional danger and throw my walls up like a crazy person. I withdraw as much as I can and try to keep people at a distance with the weapons of anger and resentment. I start numbing myself and telling myself I don't care.
I am so afraid of being emotionally alone, but I'm also used to it enough that I'd often rather stay in my cold and empty place than risk getting warm and comfortable with someone, only to let them suddenly shove me back out into the cold. I've felt that that kind of abrupt rejection has been much harder to deal with than the numbness of consistent loneliness.
This is so, so hard for me. Now that I'm not so numb anymore, the loneliness is getting painful again. Now that I've started to warm up various parts of my soul, everything is thawing out and old wounds are starting to throb again.
This has been confusing to me. "What hurts?? Nothing crazy has happened to make me hurt like this. What's going on?" But I've been setting aside my numbing and escape tactics, and my pain is being laid wide open.
Ouch. Holy crap this hurts. But I'm not drowning in it. The benefit of thawing out my soul is that I'm thawing the strong parts too - the wise parts, the parts that hold my faith and love and hope.
I'm still afraid and still hurting, but my eyes and mind are much more clear than they ever have been before. I don't have to lose myself to this fear and pain. I can hear them and soothe them. But I don't have to let them take the throne. That's where Faith and Logic and Love sit.
Fear and Pain are subjects, not monarchs. Their input is helpful, but I won't let them make my decisions anymore. I can listen to them, embrace them, and thank them without giving them control of the kingdom.
I'm lonely. And that hurts. But I will figure out how to let people in, in a healthy way.
I CAN do this. There is no doubt in my mind that I can do it, with God's help and the help of those who have walked this path before me.
I can. And I will. I am powerful, and my God is even more so.
❤
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