Pattern

-
Broken
Falling
Turning
Over and over
Writhing
Bleeding
Peeling off my own skin
Get me out of this worthless prison
How did I get trapped here again?

Discarded
Discard myself before you can
Let you know I know my own worthlessness
Promise to try to make up for it
Just please love me
Please
I fall short
Always
I'm sorry. I'll just go
Give up
Break again

Rescued
Again
I hate myself for it
Again
Begrudging rescue is almost like love
It's close enough that I'll settle for it
But resent myself all the while
For being so pathetic
Who taught me to love this way?
Guarded requests
Expecting rejection
Scrambling for crumbs
Trying not to count on them
Trying not to believe I deserve them
Hoping I can someday find a way to earn them
So I can stop hating myself

Vulnerable
I hate that word
Weak
Helpless
Unlovable
Undesirable
Stupid
Pathetic
Burden
These are the feelings I've associated with vulnerability
Being "vulnerable" means being asked to be rejected
"Here is everything disgusting about me.
I'll put it in your lap, like it's a gift.
If you find a way to appreciate the beauty of it all,
Rather than simply vomiting and walking away,
You're probably crazy.
Not safe anyway."

Hidden
Sick
Safe
Numb
Loneliness is more comfortable
Because I don't have to depend on anyone for any part of my happiness
I can be numb
Slap a smile on my face
Don't feel
Don't worry
Don't invest
Don't lose
Nothing to lose, no pain to feel
Why not?
Who needs joy and love?
Too fleeting, too unpredictable
Numbness, loneliness,  robotic motions and plastic smiles
Old friends
Thank you for protecting me

This is my pattern
Hope for love
Dive right in
Get hurt
Hide
Get rescued
Hate myself
Curse vulnerability
Curse my heart
Let comfortable numbness settle in
Try to be more perfect
Feel less
Stop investing
Hold back
Push people away
Be alone
Safe
I'm safe again
This is my pattern.

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