Choosing my Word for 2018
I've chosen a word for the year.
No resolutions or jumbles of seemingly unrelated goals. Just a single word to center my efforts, thoughts, and feelings around.
My word is POWER.
Between Christmas and New Years, I began thinking on what word I wanted to choose for 2018 and couldn't decide on anything. I'd been struggling with a little anxiety and found myself thinking the phrase, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear..." over and over.
This is something people have told me periodically throughout my life, when I try to explain the anxiety I've so often experienced. "God doesn't speak to us through fear..." How I wanted to believe that! But the fear I regularly experienced was almost tangible - I couldn't just be making all of this up! And what if I chose to tell myself I was just being silly and it turned out that was God's way of speaking to me? What if I missed something important?
At any rate, I decided to look up the scripture that phrase comes from. I found 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." As I pondered those words for the next few days, I found quite a bit of comfort in them. "Power" and a "sound mind" were things I wanted to become much more familiar with. I'd so often felt I was drowning in feelings of fear and helplessness that the idea of being powerful and having a sound mind seemed an amazing (if elusive) promise.
One morning, I woke up with an almost crazy sense of clarity and strength. All the things I'd been worried about were suddenly easy to put into perspective. I felt capable and calm and self-assured. I wanted this to be my reality all the time. I've had moments like that more and more over the past year or so, but I want it all (or at least most) of the time. Again, the words of the scripture came to mind..."power...love..sound mind." I wanted those things to replace fear. I decided that if I studied and sought power - true power, power from goodness and rightness, power from God - I could eradicate fear from my life. As I considered that, a warm, confident, all-encompassing feeling washed over me. Power. That was my word for the year. That's what I need to focus on. I actually got up and danced around. I tend to do this when I have a breakthrough or a powerfully joyful moment.
I knew.
In that moment, I knew so much.
I knew everything would be okay, I knew I could do all of the good things I wanted and needed to do. I knew I could come up with a plan to build myself around POWER and it would be amazing. I knew God was there, guiding and shaping my life. I knew He wouldn't leave me comfortless.
Since that day, almost two weeks ago now, I've struggled with a lot of anxiety and some depression. It's been extremely painful at times. It's almost like my senses all became heightened and I became overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stimuli and possibilities before me. I've wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I've questioned all of the decisions I've made recently. I've been afraid to try to make any plans surrounding my word of the year. I've turned to junk food and Facebook to distract and comfort myself. I've done my best to resist the strong urge to try to make someone make me feel better. I've tried to journal and talk through my feelings instead. I've tried to honor my fears and pain without letting them control me. I've been exhausted and overwhelmed. It's been an interesting version of "rock bottom." And I honestly don't know how much longer I'll be in this dark place.
Thankfully, when I push myself to understand the darkness, I catch beautiful glimpses of light and joy. I have painful breakdowns followed by incredible breakthroughs. And as frustrating as it is to keep dipping back down into the pain and fear that almost don't make sense, I am finally grasping the concept that the more deeply I explore my fear and pain, the more powerful I can become. This dark period of my life is actually an exquisitely painful gift. I am aware enough and strong enough to start to use this soul-stifling fear as a tool for self-empowerment. My fear won't break me. I'll use it to build me.
I find it interesting that the darkness surrounded me so quickly and so fully after that one day of peace and clarity. Almost like a challenge, an effort to squash whatever resolve I had and keep me in my lonely little prison. I think that happens regularly - we endeavor to grow and improve and we are met with challenges that seem to come out of nowhere. We get to choose whether we'll let those break us or build us.
Power. That's what I'm focusing on this year. Building my personal power. And I know God will help me do it.
No resolutions or jumbles of seemingly unrelated goals. Just a single word to center my efforts, thoughts, and feelings around.
My word is POWER.
Between Christmas and New Years, I began thinking on what word I wanted to choose for 2018 and couldn't decide on anything. I'd been struggling with a little anxiety and found myself thinking the phrase, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear..." over and over.
This is something people have told me periodically throughout my life, when I try to explain the anxiety I've so often experienced. "God doesn't speak to us through fear..." How I wanted to believe that! But the fear I regularly experienced was almost tangible - I couldn't just be making all of this up! And what if I chose to tell myself I was just being silly and it turned out that was God's way of speaking to me? What if I missed something important?
At any rate, I decided to look up the scripture that phrase comes from. I found 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." As I pondered those words for the next few days, I found quite a bit of comfort in them. "Power" and a "sound mind" were things I wanted to become much more familiar with. I'd so often felt I was drowning in feelings of fear and helplessness that the idea of being powerful and having a sound mind seemed an amazing (if elusive) promise.
One morning, I woke up with an almost crazy sense of clarity and strength. All the things I'd been worried about were suddenly easy to put into perspective. I felt capable and calm and self-assured. I wanted this to be my reality all the time. I've had moments like that more and more over the past year or so, but I want it all (or at least most) of the time. Again, the words of the scripture came to mind..."power...love..sound mind." I wanted those things to replace fear. I decided that if I studied and sought power - true power, power from goodness and rightness, power from God - I could eradicate fear from my life. As I considered that, a warm, confident, all-encompassing feeling washed over me. Power. That was my word for the year. That's what I need to focus on. I actually got up and danced around. I tend to do this when I have a breakthrough or a powerfully joyful moment.
I knew.
In that moment, I knew so much.
I knew everything would be okay, I knew I could do all of the good things I wanted and needed to do. I knew I could come up with a plan to build myself around POWER and it would be amazing. I knew God was there, guiding and shaping my life. I knew He wouldn't leave me comfortless.
Since that day, almost two weeks ago now, I've struggled with a lot of anxiety and some depression. It's been extremely painful at times. It's almost like my senses all became heightened and I became overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stimuli and possibilities before me. I've wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I've questioned all of the decisions I've made recently. I've been afraid to try to make any plans surrounding my word of the year. I've turned to junk food and Facebook to distract and comfort myself. I've done my best to resist the strong urge to try to make someone make me feel better. I've tried to journal and talk through my feelings instead. I've tried to honor my fears and pain without letting them control me. I've been exhausted and overwhelmed. It's been an interesting version of "rock bottom." And I honestly don't know how much longer I'll be in this dark place.
Thankfully, when I push myself to understand the darkness, I catch beautiful glimpses of light and joy. I have painful breakdowns followed by incredible breakthroughs. And as frustrating as it is to keep dipping back down into the pain and fear that almost don't make sense, I am finally grasping the concept that the more deeply I explore my fear and pain, the more powerful I can become. This dark period of my life is actually an exquisitely painful gift. I am aware enough and strong enough to start to use this soul-stifling fear as a tool for self-empowerment. My fear won't break me. I'll use it to build me.
I find it interesting that the darkness surrounded me so quickly and so fully after that one day of peace and clarity. Almost like a challenge, an effort to squash whatever resolve I had and keep me in my lonely little prison. I think that happens regularly - we endeavor to grow and improve and we are met with challenges that seem to come out of nowhere. We get to choose whether we'll let those break us or build us.
Power. That's what I'm focusing on this year. Building my personal power. And I know God will help me do it.
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