Fighting Codependent Mommy
Sweet Boy peed on the floor. Again. Because he was angry with me.
He seems to have a sixth sense for what will piss me off and goes right for the jugular when he's upset with me. I know that this is supposedly "just a thing" that kids do, but at times like this, it feels obscenely personal.
I had gotten him out of the tub, apparently before he was ready, and he yelled that he was just going to keep getting back in. So I nudged him out the door and locked it so I could finish cleaning up the tub stuff. I was just muttering to myself that he was probably going to start threatening to pee, when I heard liquid hitting the floor outside the door. I lost it.
I opened the door, smacked his butt, and yelled, "This is NOT okay!! Never okay!" I took him over to his bed, spanked him again, and yelled some more. I was livid. I am so sick of him peeing whenever he feels like he isn't getting his way.
This is so hard for me, because it's about control. From the time I was a kid, I have frequently felt that my life was beyond my control, but also that it wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to be in control, but I wasn't capable of doing so. I have felt helpless and shameful for being helpless. I have often made feeble attempts to control or influence other people (because I believed they were responsible for my happiness), and when they didn't immediately comply, I have typically just given up and shamed myself for failing. Sometimes, though, I get mad.
"Why won't they do what they're supposed to do to make my life easier? Why don't they care?? This isn't fair!" I have found this interesting way of simultaneously making myself the victim and the aggressor. I never really learned how to properly manage frustration and confusion when other people didn't "play their parts," so I have either quietly resented them while pretending things were fine, or I have yelled, shamed, and otherwise verbally mistreated them. In both cases, I have also shamed and hated myself for not being able to handle the situation perfectly.
This is painful to admit. It's painful to sit with. I have a way of writing things down that makes them sound somewhat fluid and sensical, but I can promise you that this is not how things go in my mind and heart. Until I write things down, it all feels chaotic, dangerous, messy, uncomfortable, confusing, shameful. Even when I write things down, it still feels that way sometimes. I'm grateful I'm finally learning to write things down, but, more often than not, I still don't do it. My habit is to sit in this weird place of half-acknowledgement and half-denial. My habit is to keep myself stuck, because that somehow worked for me before.
But my soul is more awake than it was before. It's not content with me staying stuck. So trying to sit in my half-acknowledgement, half-denial state feels unbearable after just a short while. I'm more sensitive to it, which is both good and bad. It means I either deal with it sooner or I dive into addictive behaviors sooner. Unfortunately, I more often go for the latter than the former. And that just piles on the denial and shame.
So, I'm being codependent today. I'm hating myself for my failure to control my son. It's hard to let that go. I "know" better, but I still feel like his rebellious behaviors are direct reflections on my success as a human being in general. This feeling may be something I have to fight the rest of my life.
But I will fight. Because Sweet Boy deserves better, and so do I. I will keep fighting because my life isn't about controlling anyone else. It's about controlling myself. I've been trying - unsuccessfully, I might add - to give control of myself away to other people and to "control" them, on some level, and it's only damaged my relationships. I will keep fighting to take back control of myself because I am worth it, and my relationships are worth it.
I will fight. Even when I fail, even if I lay on the ground feeling like crap for a while, I will still always get back up to fight again.
My relationships are worth it. I am worth it.
He seems to have a sixth sense for what will piss me off and goes right for the jugular when he's upset with me. I know that this is supposedly "just a thing" that kids do, but at times like this, it feels obscenely personal.
I had gotten him out of the tub, apparently before he was ready, and he yelled that he was just going to keep getting back in. So I nudged him out the door and locked it so I could finish cleaning up the tub stuff. I was just muttering to myself that he was probably going to start threatening to pee, when I heard liquid hitting the floor outside the door. I lost it.
I opened the door, smacked his butt, and yelled, "This is NOT okay!! Never okay!" I took him over to his bed, spanked him again, and yelled some more. I was livid. I am so sick of him peeing whenever he feels like he isn't getting his way.
This is so hard for me, because it's about control. From the time I was a kid, I have frequently felt that my life was beyond my control, but also that it wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to be in control, but I wasn't capable of doing so. I have felt helpless and shameful for being helpless. I have often made feeble attempts to control or influence other people (because I believed they were responsible for my happiness), and when they didn't immediately comply, I have typically just given up and shamed myself for failing. Sometimes, though, I get mad.
"Why won't they do what they're supposed to do to make my life easier? Why don't they care?? This isn't fair!" I have found this interesting way of simultaneously making myself the victim and the aggressor. I never really learned how to properly manage frustration and confusion when other people didn't "play their parts," so I have either quietly resented them while pretending things were fine, or I have yelled, shamed, and otherwise verbally mistreated them. In both cases, I have also shamed and hated myself for not being able to handle the situation perfectly.
This is painful to admit. It's painful to sit with. I have a way of writing things down that makes them sound somewhat fluid and sensical, but I can promise you that this is not how things go in my mind and heart. Until I write things down, it all feels chaotic, dangerous, messy, uncomfortable, confusing, shameful. Even when I write things down, it still feels that way sometimes. I'm grateful I'm finally learning to write things down, but, more often than not, I still don't do it. My habit is to sit in this weird place of half-acknowledgement and half-denial. My habit is to keep myself stuck, because that somehow worked for me before.
But my soul is more awake than it was before. It's not content with me staying stuck. So trying to sit in my half-acknowledgement, half-denial state feels unbearable after just a short while. I'm more sensitive to it, which is both good and bad. It means I either deal with it sooner or I dive into addictive behaviors sooner. Unfortunately, I more often go for the latter than the former. And that just piles on the denial and shame.
So, I'm being codependent today. I'm hating myself for my failure to control my son. It's hard to let that go. I "know" better, but I still feel like his rebellious behaviors are direct reflections on my success as a human being in general. This feeling may be something I have to fight the rest of my life.
But I will fight. Because Sweet Boy deserves better, and so do I. I will keep fighting because my life isn't about controlling anyone else. It's about controlling myself. I've been trying - unsuccessfully, I might add - to give control of myself away to other people and to "control" them, on some level, and it's only damaged my relationships. I will keep fighting to take back control of myself because I am worth it, and my relationships are worth it.
I will fight. Even when I fail, even if I lay on the ground feeling like crap for a while, I will still always get back up to fight again.
My relationships are worth it. I am worth it.
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