Journal Entry: Listening to My "Ex"
This is a journal entry from this past summer. I'm going to be sharing moments like this from journals and memories as I process my past. Thanks for bearing with me.
July 14, 2016
(16 days "post-decision")
I went to talk with Stephen in person last night. We had originally planned to meet the night before, but he had been really angry and so had I. I felt like it wasn't a good idea. We ended up talking on the phone instead, and that was good.
So, I wanted to go up and see him last night. I was apprehensive because I was feeling raw and vulnerable, but I felt like it would help to talk with him - or rather, to listen to him.
On the way up, I thought about Hypnobirthing and how I'd learned some good skills for coping with physical pain - which I feel can also be used to cope with emotional pain. So, on the drive up to see him, I decided to think of some affirmations that would help me stay focused if and when things started to hurt. If I'm in pain and I start to panic, I tend to do things that just make it worse.
Here are the affirmations I came up with:
- I want to understand Stephen.
- I want him to feel understood.
- I will keep myself safe.
- It's okay to take a break.
I took some deep breaths and repeated those things to myself a couple of times. Then I thought it would be helpful to think about what my goal was for that conversation. I decided my goal was to just listen and understand. Then I said a prayer that the Lord would help me do that.
As I prayed, it occurred to me to ask Heavenly Father to help me love Stephen the way He does. Peace settled into my heart. My pain and anger were quieted and I was filled with love, patience, and gratitude. I felt trust in the Lord and in Stephen (that he wouldn't hurt me, and that I could trust his words).
As I talked to Stephen that night, I was able to hear him: his pain, his fear, his anguish. I didn't feel threatened by those things, as I so often had before. I listened and understood. I acknowledged my part in his pain and apologized for the inappropriate things I had done that had hurt him. I really heard him, which I have been able to do before, but it hadn't really been the "norm."
I hope he appreciated the effort I made. Most importantly, I hope he felt understood and accepted. I hope he felt the love that Christ has for him, in some small measure. I believe that Christ loves, accepts, and stands with us, and I'd like to do that for Stephen (as far as is appropriate) going forward. I feel like Stephen and I were brought together for a reason. If we can help each other learn important lessons and heal from pain we've never dealt with before, I want to do my part in that.
I love Stephen. I want him to be healthy and happy. I am so grateful we were able to talk last night and that the Lord helped me to truly hear and love Stephen. I'm grateful for the love that Christ has for me and for Stephen. I believe that if I seek His help through this divorce process, He will guide me, comfort me, and allow me to love as He does. I am so grateful for Him.
July 14, 2016
(16 days "post-decision")
I went to talk with Stephen in person last night. We had originally planned to meet the night before, but he had been really angry and so had I. I felt like it wasn't a good idea. We ended up talking on the phone instead, and that was good.
So, I wanted to go up and see him last night. I was apprehensive because I was feeling raw and vulnerable, but I felt like it would help to talk with him - or rather, to listen to him.
On the way up, I thought about Hypnobirthing and how I'd learned some good skills for coping with physical pain - which I feel can also be used to cope with emotional pain. So, on the drive up to see him, I decided to think of some affirmations that would help me stay focused if and when things started to hurt. If I'm in pain and I start to panic, I tend to do things that just make it worse.
Here are the affirmations I came up with:
- I want to understand Stephen.
- I want him to feel understood.
- I will keep myself safe.
- It's okay to take a break.
I took some deep breaths and repeated those things to myself a couple of times. Then I thought it would be helpful to think about what my goal was for that conversation. I decided my goal was to just listen and understand. Then I said a prayer that the Lord would help me do that.
As I prayed, it occurred to me to ask Heavenly Father to help me love Stephen the way He does. Peace settled into my heart. My pain and anger were quieted and I was filled with love, patience, and gratitude. I felt trust in the Lord and in Stephen (that he wouldn't hurt me, and that I could trust his words).
As I talked to Stephen that night, I was able to hear him: his pain, his fear, his anguish. I didn't feel threatened by those things, as I so often had before. I listened and understood. I acknowledged my part in his pain and apologized for the inappropriate things I had done that had hurt him. I really heard him, which I have been able to do before, but it hadn't really been the "norm."
I hope he appreciated the effort I made. Most importantly, I hope he felt understood and accepted. I hope he felt the love that Christ has for him, in some small measure. I believe that Christ loves, accepts, and stands with us, and I'd like to do that for Stephen (as far as is appropriate) going forward. I feel like Stephen and I were brought together for a reason. If we can help each other learn important lessons and heal from pain we've never dealt with before, I want to do my part in that.
I love Stephen. I want him to be healthy and happy. I am so grateful we were able to talk last night and that the Lord helped me to truly hear and love Stephen. I'm grateful for the love that Christ has for me and for Stephen. I believe that if I seek His help through this divorce process, He will guide me, comfort me, and allow me to love as He does. I am so grateful for Him.
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