A Bushel and a Peck

Sweet Boy peed on the floor. Again. Because he was angry with me. He seems to have a sixth sense for what will piss me off and goes right for the jugular when he's upset with me. I know that this is supposedly "just a thing" that kids do, but at times like this, it feels obscenely personal. I had gotten him out of the tub, apparently before he was ready, and he yelled that he was just going to keep getting back in. So I nudged him out the door and locked it so I could finish cleaning up the tub stuff. I was just muttering to myself that he was probably going to start threatening to pee, when I heard liquid hitting the floor outside the door. I lost it. I opened the door, smacked his butt, and yelled, "This is NOT okay!! Never okay!" I took him over to his bed, spanked him again, and yelled some more. I was livid. I am so sick of him peeing whenever he feels like he isn't getting his way. This is so hard for me, because it's about control. From t...

Glennon Doyle Melton has a book called Love Warrior. In it, she talks about "easy buttons" - things we turn to when we feel lonely or afraid. Things like drugs, alcohol, food, Facebook, or sex. These things are easy to do and they keep us from feeling the pain.  I've been pushing lots of "easy buttons" this week. I've been spending a LOT of time on Facebook, trying to lose myself in various books, sleeping, staying up late texting people, eating junky food. I've been feeling a lot of low-grade loneliness and fear. I have holes in my soul, as we all do, but I'm meant to fill those holes with connection - with Love - not with easy buttons.  I'm meant to connect with God and with other people. To love and be loved. Real love is not easy connection - it's real, deep, vulnerable, honest connection. Being real, vulnerable, honest, and deep with other people (Heck, even with myself. Maybe especially with myself) scares the crap out of me.  ...

I have been trading feeling for functioning. I learned long ago from someone I trusted that being able to "function" is much more important than being able to feel. They believed it. It had worked well for them. It doesn't work well for me. I numb my feelings with reading, food, Facebook, superficial social interactions, multitasking, doing well in school, being successful in whatever worldly way I think I can easily manage. Because it's simpler to function and get "joy" from knowing that people believe I'm successful at functioning. It's easier to do that than it is to feel my messy feelings and figure out what the heck to do with them when I feel like I have no one to talk to about all that. No one comments on how emotionally healthy you are. They do praise you for being witty, getting good grades, being athletic, having interesting hobbies. Social acceptance and "functioning" became more important than knowing myself, knowing God, ...

Grieving, feeling, hurting, living, breathing song of the day:  Say Something by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera I have been looking at grief as a process. It's not. It's not a neat little box I can store all of my pain in. "And I am feeling so small. It was over my head. I know nothing at all." I'm allowing my heart, mind, and soul to expand. I'm seeing the unbelievable number of ways and times I have numbed myself to pain. The huge extent to which I have numbed myself to pain. Little did I know that I was also numbing myself to joy, connection, love, and beauty. Also to a huge extent. "And I will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl." I'm finally learning to love. But damn, it's painful. I thought I knew how to love. I didn't. My love, my grief, my laughter, my tears - so much of my "human experience" has been dictated by what I thought other people expected from me. I...

An interesting thought tonight. I have spent the last few months falling asleep feeling codependent. Tonight, I don't feel codependent. It's an interesting difference. Hard to put my finger on, really. But there it is. Tonight, I don't feel codependent. I am happy to be alone in my bed, with my beautiful, cozy new comforter, the knowledge that I am more than enough the way I am, and that I have so much good ahead of me. I know that I am loved by God and He will be with me every day of my life that I ask Him to be there. Tonight, I don't feel codependent. I don't feel that my worth depends on what others think of me. Tonight, I love and trust my Higher Power. I get my worth from Him. Tonight, I love and trust myself. I am a mortal being with a touch of infinity in my soul. Together, God and I can do anything.

Yesterday, I found myself struggling with depression. I got the kids back from Stephen and I felt overwhelmed, resentful, angry.  Why do they need so much from me, emotionally? Why do they need me to be happy and strong? I can't do that today! It's not fair. We drove to McDonald's to meet some friends, and I prayed silently on the way down. I told God how frustrated I was. I told Him I hated Him, I hated myself, I hated everyone else, and I hated just everything. I cried a little. I was so angry and afraid. I was listening to the song "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee," and one of the lines struck me: "The Son of Man hath descended below all things. Art thou greater than He?" This line made me angry.  Of course I'm not better than Christ. I'm complaining about the little bit of crap I'm experiencing, not because I'm better than He is, but because I'm not as strong as He is.  He can handle all things, but I can't even...

This is a journal entry from this past summer. I'm going to be sharing moments like this from journals and memories as I process my past. Thanks for bearing with me. July 14, 2016 (16 days "post-decision") I went to talk with Stephen in person last night. We had originally planned to meet the night before, but he had been really angry and so had I. I felt like it wasn't a good idea. We ended up talking on the phone instead, and that was good.  So, I wanted to go up and see him last night. I was apprehensive because I was feeling raw and vulnerable, but I felt like it would help to talk with him - or rather, to listen  to him.  On the way up, I thought about Hypnobirthing  and how I'd learned some good skills for coping with physical pain - which I feel can also be used to cope with emotional pain. So, on the drive up to see him, I decided to think of some affirmations that would help me stay focused if and when things started to hurt. If I'm in pain a...