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Judging and Loving

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Indifference

Some part of my brain tells me that indifference is power. Indifference is power. Interesting concept. I think I came to that conclusion because the people who have hurt me most are people who I cared about deeply and who acted indifferent to me. So in my mind, if I'm hurt or angry, acting like I don't give a shit is the best way to retaliate. I know it's really not, but in the moment, it makes me feel powerful, in control, capable of hurting someone else as much as I've been hurt. Hurt --> Anger --> Attempt at indifference --> Sabotaging relationships --> More hurt Anxious-avoidant attachment style. It's what I do, I guess. I see the pattern. I see how I can start to change it. But fear and pain make me want to stay here. I'll figure it out eventually.
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Hypnobirthing: A Birth Story, Part 2

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*Warning* - A couple of slightly graphic details are included in this post. Words like "blood" and "cervix" appear once or twice. This is part 2 of 2. Click here for  Part 1 . To answer your question, yes, I did experience pain during labor. And the night after Sweet Boy was born, I did lay awake, feeling a little betrayed and overwhelmed, since I'd been telling myself that I wouldn't feel pain. But the experience of labor was an empowering experience, despite the pain. If I could go back and get the epidural, I wouldn't do it.  The sensation I experienced that I would label "pain" was very much like the discomfort one feels when getting an intense massage. The pressure is necessary, but it hurts. Sometimes it really hurts. The thing about a massage is that you get pressure in one or two small spots at a time. Not to mention, you can tell the therapist, "Okay, back off for a second." When you're in labor, your own body is pu...
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Three Years Ago Today

Three years ago today, Baby Girl was born. Sweet Boy woke up crying and I went to comfort him. Contractions started at 7 am. At 8, I woke you up to tell you I thought I was in labor. You mumbled a sleepy reply and grabbed your phone to tell your boss you wouldn't be coming into work today. At 9, we said goodbye to Sweet Boy and headed to my midwife appointment. She told me I was in labor and I should head to the hospital. We said we were going to get some snacks first. She looked at us like we were crazy. We laughed. At 10, we went to the grocery store to get some snacks. I stopped every few minutes to relax and breathe through a contraction. We joked around and enjoyed our last little bit of newborn-free time together. At 11, we were in the hospital. I was getting tired. You talked me through Hypnobirthing scripts to help me relax. You told me I was doing great. You asked me if I needed anything. You told me I could do this. You held my hand. I was glad you were there. ...
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