Thoughts on Remarriage

In two weeks, my divorce will be finalized. I'm sure that'll hit me somehow. I don't know how, exactly, yet. But it'll hit me and I'm sure it'll be painful to some degree. 

I've been thinking, off and on, about vulnerability - particularly in marriage. As is a normal part of this process, I've sometimes contemplated the possibility of getting married again someday. God has told me that I will, and I believe Him. Lately, though, I've been cynical about it. The true love I used to envision in marriage now seems silly and foolish. I see now that what I used to believe about true love had more to do with mutual codependent caretaking than it did real, healthy love. 

Part of me is certain that making myself truly vulnerable to another human being will only end in pain. Again. There have been a few times over the last several months that I've sort of "practiced" being vulnerable the way I believe marriage requires. I haven't done this with another person - I've just allowed myself, in quiet moments, to open my heart that way and imagine. In those moments, I've been swarmed by doubts and fears. These doubts and fears are strongly reminiscent of the way I felt when Stephen and I first started talking about getting married. I'm seeing that a big part of it is that I've been afraid to be truly vulnerable with another person. 

There is a very raw, vulnerable part of me that I see more clearly when I open myself up that way. It's breathtakingly beautiful and powerful, but it's also very tender and sensitive. The idea of sharing that part of myself with another fallible human being again scares me. So I keep the door to that part of my heart closed almost all the time. Part of me is terrified that, if and when I do marry again, I will open that door and the person I've chosen to share my raw realness with will just stomp all over it. Or, at the very least, he won't appreciate it for its beauty and greatness. That beautiful part of my heart is sacred and incredible. I don't know if I want to share it again. 

But, in those quiet moments when I do open that door, I also see the potential for true power, true goodness, true connection. There is a part of me that craves the possibilities that come with sharing that piece of my heart with the right person. Part of me knows that sharing myself with someone that way will allow my soul to expand to even greater heights. Part of me is excited to believe that it is possible to find someone who can see and appreciate all of that, and who will also want to share the beautiful parts of his heart and soul with me. 

Yet, I am still afraid. Part of this process, this process of divorce, is finding my true self. Another part of the process is learning who I can trust with the deepest parts of me, and who "matches" or complements me. Another part is learning to let go of the people I can't trust. 

This process is painful, scary, but exciting and full of promise. My hope is to balance healthy skepticism with trust in God and in the right people. I believe that with God's help, I will be able to discern truth from lies, goodness from harm, and healthy behavior from the unhealthy. This is my prayer.