Journal Entry: Moving Out
This is a journal entry from this past summer. I'm going to be sharing moments like this from journals and memories as I process my past. Thanks for bearing with me.
August 23, 2016
I went to check out the apartment (Stephen moved out last week) to see what kind of cleaning needed to be done. I brought the kids. I felt kind of anxious about it, like it would be emotionally difficult, but I still felt like I wanted/needed to do it
So we went. And it was painful. That was the last place we lived together. I remembered a lot of the good times we had there, and my certainty that divorce is the right answer faltered for a bit. I'm sad that this beautiful dream I had for Stephen and myself, for our family, has crumbled. I thought of how happy we had often been together. I wondered if I was THE problem. I wondered if we should still try.
But I also remembered that I'd felt afraid and trapped in that apartment. Even today, I felt angry and resentful. The kids felt something too, whether it was the change in my own attitude or their memories of the place. They started acting up and I got angry with them. I started to remember how often I have felt that way over the past year. The times it was least oppressive were the times that Stephen was out of town. At one point today, both kids started begging to go back to Grandma's house.
That really struck me. Granted, it could have just been that there wasn't much for them to do up there, but I also feel strongly that the spirit of that place is oppressive, angry, fearful, while the spirit of my mom's house is not. I sat down with the kids and we all cried together for a minute. I apologized for being angry and mean, and told them I didn't want to be that kind of mommy. I said I want to be a mommy who is kind and patient. I told them I wanted to make our home a happy place. I told them that I had felt sad a lot when we had lived in that apartment, and I would sometimes get mad or mean because I was sad and scared.
Going back today was hard. But it taught me some important things:
August 23, 2016
I went to check out the apartment (Stephen moved out last week) to see what kind of cleaning needed to be done. I brought the kids. I felt kind of anxious about it, like it would be emotionally difficult, but I still felt like I wanted/needed to do it
So we went. And it was painful. That was the last place we lived together. I remembered a lot of the good times we had there, and my certainty that divorce is the right answer faltered for a bit. I'm sad that this beautiful dream I had for Stephen and myself, for our family, has crumbled. I thought of how happy we had often been together. I wondered if I was THE problem. I wondered if we should still try.
But I also remembered that I'd felt afraid and trapped in that apartment. Even today, I felt angry and resentful. The kids felt something too, whether it was the change in my own attitude or their memories of the place. They started acting up and I got angry with them. I started to remember how often I have felt that way over the past year. The times it was least oppressive were the times that Stephen was out of town. At one point today, both kids started begging to go back to Grandma's house.
That really struck me. Granted, it could have just been that there wasn't much for them to do up there, but I also feel strongly that the spirit of that place is oppressive, angry, fearful, while the spirit of my mom's house is not. I sat down with the kids and we all cried together for a minute. I apologized for being angry and mean, and told them I didn't want to be that kind of mommy. I said I want to be a mommy who is kind and patient. I told them I wanted to make our home a happy place. I told them that I had felt sad a lot when we had lived in that apartment, and I would sometimes get mad or mean because I was sad and scared.
Going back today was hard. But it taught me some important things:
- I wasn't happy living with Stephen - I was often sad, afraid, resentful, angry.
- I have been much happier and healthier being away from him, and that relief and happiness is positively affecting the kids.
- I want to, I can, and I will make our home (wherever we may be) a place of love, peace, happiness - a place where the Spirit can live and thrive. I definitely have missed that over the past year or more.
- I need to remember that Stephen is not just some bad guy that I need to hate now. There is a lot that I still love about him and a lot that I will miss. Loving and missing someone doesn't mean that I would be better off being with them, though.
- Listening to hymns on the way there and back cleansed and soothed my pain and anger. There is something about turning to God that brings great peace and healing.
- I had essentially made Stephen my "god." This caused a lot of problems for both of us, and now I'm detaching and becoming healthier.
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