Coming into My Own

Perhaps I've been so timid my whole life that people don't believe I can (or even want to) take care of myself. I know I often haven't believed I was capable. I've let other people take care of me because I didn't have confidence in myself. I let them think the way they were supposed to love me was by taking care of me. That's kind of how I learned to receive love in the first place...

"You can't take care of yourself, so I'll take care of you. You can't make good decisions, so I'll make them for you. You aren't strong/smart/competent enough to live your life, so I'll tell you how to live. Don't trust yourself, trust me."

If I wanted people to love me, I had to stop trusting myself and let them tell me what to do. I had to play dumb and jump through hoops. I had to give up what felt right to me so I could feel "safe" with the people around me.

It became a very unhealthy lifestyle, but I didn't know it. I thought I was being loving and letting people love me. Over the past few years, however, I've been slowly learning to trust myself and trust God. My eyes have been opened to the fact that I don't feel like anyone's equal because I'm waiting for them to give me "permission" - permission to choose, to feel, to love, to think, to act, to rest, to live. I've nearly always made decisions based on "what other people would think."

Of course, I've had my moments of rebellion, times when I would act on my own whims of the moment. The problem is, those moments were too often devoid of deep thought or sincere council with God. I was afraid that if I thought about things for too long, I'd feel guilty for not doing what other people wanted me to do and I'd just end up reverting to my zombie-like state.

For a while now, I've been making decisions that some people think are unwise. I often question the wisdom of my own decisions. But rather than avoiding deep thought and serious council with God, I'm diving into those things. I've learned how to let go of the guilt that accompanies rejecting the need for others' permission and I'm finally learning to make decisions based on my own logic, intuition, and discussions with God. I'm examining what I really want and what God really wants of me. I'm taking the experiences and opinions of others (particularly those who love me) into account without letting them control me.

I still experience plenty of anxiety when I choose not to let the opinions of others determine my decisions. However, the more I lovingly dismiss the "need" to ask permission and instead make my own choices (and mistakes, of course), the easier it becomes to alleviate my anxiety the next time. "I can do this. I'm capable of making my own decisions. I'm capable of living my own life and giving myself permission. I've done it before, and I can do it now. The results will never be perfect, but that's okay. That's life."

I'll make mistakes, and that's life. I'll get hurt, and that's life. I'll make some really amazing choices, and that's life. I'll experience incredible joy, and that's life.

That is life. And I'm finally living it.