Confusion
Pain.
Struggle.
Confusion.
These are things I've tried to run from every chance I had.
Over the past year, I've opened myself up to pain. Become much more willing (consciously, intellectually) to sit with pain. If I had clarity, a decent understanding of my pain, I could handle it. If I knew exactly where my pain was coming from and/or where it was taking me, I could find power and purpose in the pain.
Struggle? I'm starting to become more okay with struggle: with pushing and fighting and moving forward even when things are hard. Again, this is easier if I have a clear purpose and a reasonable hope of success.
Confusion...I realized tonight that this has been a really difficult one for me. I can put myself through pain and struggle if I know where I'm going and where I'm coming from. But when I'm unsure of the end result? If I don't know why I'm struggling or in pain? If I'm not positive it'll be worth it? It's agony. I lose my nerve. I lose my faith. I wonder why this is happening and what I'm doing wrong. I try to run from whatever hurts or feels confusing. I lose sight of my goal, hunker down, and try to build up my defenses again. Better to stay stuck and safe than keep moving into unknown dangers.
I haven't been a risk-taker. I've often given up on trusting myself, trusting God, trusting the people in my life because things are painful and confusing. It used to be that pain or struggle alone was enough to scare me off. Now they're not enough, but confusion can still make me hang back or maybe take a few steps forward, prepared to dash away at the slightest flicker of a hint of danger. I don't do well without a guarantee of some kind.
I need to work on pushing forward through pain, struggle, and confusion - I need to be willing to accept wrong turns, skinned knees, twisted ankles, cold rain, and thick fog as part of my journey to the top of this mountain I'm climbing. I need to remember that just because I'm hurt or cold or tired or lost doesn't mean I should give up on the mountain. There's something beautiful - something more than worth the effort - at the top, and I want to get there. Waiting until the perfect path, free of hazards and uncomfortable conditions, magically appears isn't an option. It won't happen. I can find my way, but I have to be willing to accept that pain, struggle, and confusion are major parts of my journey. I'll be stronger for pushing through them.
Don't give up, Kara. Keep trying. Keep pushing. You can do this.
Struggle.
Confusion.
These are things I've tried to run from every chance I had.
Over the past year, I've opened myself up to pain. Become much more willing (consciously, intellectually) to sit with pain. If I had clarity, a decent understanding of my pain, I could handle it. If I knew exactly where my pain was coming from and/or where it was taking me, I could find power and purpose in the pain.
Struggle? I'm starting to become more okay with struggle: with pushing and fighting and moving forward even when things are hard. Again, this is easier if I have a clear purpose and a reasonable hope of success.
Confusion...I realized tonight that this has been a really difficult one for me. I can put myself through pain and struggle if I know where I'm going and where I'm coming from. But when I'm unsure of the end result? If I don't know why I'm struggling or in pain? If I'm not positive it'll be worth it? It's agony. I lose my nerve. I lose my faith. I wonder why this is happening and what I'm doing wrong. I try to run from whatever hurts or feels confusing. I lose sight of my goal, hunker down, and try to build up my defenses again. Better to stay stuck and safe than keep moving into unknown dangers.
I haven't been a risk-taker. I've often given up on trusting myself, trusting God, trusting the people in my life because things are painful and confusing. It used to be that pain or struggle alone was enough to scare me off. Now they're not enough, but confusion can still make me hang back or maybe take a few steps forward, prepared to dash away at the slightest flicker of a hint of danger. I don't do well without a guarantee of some kind.
I need to work on pushing forward through pain, struggle, and confusion - I need to be willing to accept wrong turns, skinned knees, twisted ankles, cold rain, and thick fog as part of my journey to the top of this mountain I'm climbing. I need to remember that just because I'm hurt or cold or tired or lost doesn't mean I should give up on the mountain. There's something beautiful - something more than worth the effort - at the top, and I want to get there. Waiting until the perfect path, free of hazards and uncomfortable conditions, magically appears isn't an option. It won't happen. I can find my way, but I have to be willing to accept that pain, struggle, and confusion are major parts of my journey. I'll be stronger for pushing through them.
Don't give up, Kara. Keep trying. Keep pushing. You can do this.
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