A New Stage of Grief
An interesting thing I've noticed about grief...
You get to a point where you count on it. Every day that you wake up feeling good, you automatically start searching your mind for why you shouldn't feel so good. When you finally hit on the thing that hurts, you think, "Ah, there you are." Your stomach sinks a little, your body feels heavier, your heart pinches painfully. This is a stage where you no longer feel like you're constantly drowning in the grief (though you still have those moments), but it's always quietly present - a beautifully dark backdrop to the play of your life.
At this point in the grieving process, you see that you've come to count on this heavy, achy feeling to ground you. You don't feel fully real without it. It's not that you necessarily want to be sad forever, but rather that your grief makes you deeper, more connected to the earth and to the rest of the human race. As painful as the grief has been, you also wouldn't trade the changes it's made in you.
So you search for it every morning, simultaneously feeling a stab of pain and a sense of relief once you find it. A sad, wistful smile crosses your face and you feel ready to go out into the world, confident that you're strong enough to handle the day because you know how to turn suffocating pain into something that grounds you instead.
And that is power.
You get to a point where you count on it. Every day that you wake up feeling good, you automatically start searching your mind for why you shouldn't feel so good. When you finally hit on the thing that hurts, you think, "Ah, there you are." Your stomach sinks a little, your body feels heavier, your heart pinches painfully. This is a stage where you no longer feel like you're constantly drowning in the grief (though you still have those moments), but it's always quietly present - a beautifully dark backdrop to the play of your life.
At this point in the grieving process, you see that you've come to count on this heavy, achy feeling to ground you. You don't feel fully real without it. It's not that you necessarily want to be sad forever, but rather that your grief makes you deeper, more connected to the earth and to the rest of the human race. As painful as the grief has been, you also wouldn't trade the changes it's made in you.
So you search for it every morning, simultaneously feeling a stab of pain and a sense of relief once you find it. A sad, wistful smile crosses your face and you feel ready to go out into the world, confident that you're strong enough to handle the day because you know how to turn suffocating pain into something that grounds you instead.
And that is power.
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