Tears and Souls

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I think one reason I don't like crying in front of other people is that my tears are evidence of powerful emotions - emotions that are sacred to me. I don't care to share those with just anyone. I don't want to invite people into my soul. But crying seems to make people think they are wanted or needed in my soul.

Here's the thing though - there are very, very few people I trust to see my soul. Very few. I can intellectualize all day about what I'm learning and the things that I feel. I can be kind of vulnerable in a lot of ways. But my soul? I share that with hardly anyone. I don't trust anyone with it. I love that beautiful, bright, powerful part of me but I don't feel that anyone else knows how to appreciate it the way it deserves to be appreciated. So I hide it. Even from myself, most of the time.

I apologize when I cry in front of other people partly because I've trained myself to believe that other people are uncomfortable with my emotions. But I think a bigger part of it is that I often don't WANT to share my emotions with people, and yet they come leaking out of my eyes and down my face anyway.

Sometimes when I apologize for crying, what I really mean is, "Sorry, I don't want you to think I'm inviting you in. I'm not. I can't seem to control my tears right now but please don't think this is an invitation into my soul. You can't come in."

I don't trust many people with my tears.

I trust even fewer with my soul.

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