Emotional Healing
I came to the conclusion, as a child, that emotional vulnerability (being honest about my deepest emotions - both with myself and with others) just got in the way of relationships. I didn't have anyone to teach me how to deal with the strong emotions I had (including anxiety) - as much as my parents love me, they just didn't have the tools, and I don't blame them! Most of us don't.
At any rate, I decided, at a young age, that my deep emotions were problematic and I needed to shut them off. I'd let myself feel the shallow versions of those feelings - I could name and understand those - but I couldn't figure out the deeper emotions that sometimes surfaced and I was afraid to try to explain them to anyone else, for fear of being ostracized, rejected, brushed off, misunderstood. I learned to stay disconnected from those as much as I could.
As I got older, I still had anxiety - still had those deep emotions I was sort of giving place for, but not acknowledging or regulating. I began to figure out how to shut them down even more completely. I gaslit myself for those feelings - I told myself they were just wrong or silly and I didn't have to pay them any mind. I got married and had someone to take care of me, emotionally (so I thought), so I didn't have to worry about those scary feelings anymore. I would be fine. (Spoiler alert: that's not how it works).
Now that I'm emotionally "alone" again, I have this opportunity to finally acknowledge, identify, and understand those scary, confusing, deep emotions. I have the opportunity to lean on God, rather than another fallible human. I don't have to be afraid of my own feelings! I'm learning to give place for those emotions, to slow down my thoughts while I interact with people, so I can identify those emotions (where they're coming from, what they mean, what I can do with them). I'm learning to let go of the fear. I'm learning to hold onto God, who can keep me steady while I learn how to deal with all these things I have struggled with so much.
I'm finally learning how to integrate my emotions into my experiences. I'm learning how to fully connect my heart and mind - with each other and with my spirit. THAT is how I will become whole. THAT is what God wants for all of us.
This is healing. ❤
At any rate, I decided, at a young age, that my deep emotions were problematic and I needed to shut them off. I'd let myself feel the shallow versions of those feelings - I could name and understand those - but I couldn't figure out the deeper emotions that sometimes surfaced and I was afraid to try to explain them to anyone else, for fear of being ostracized, rejected, brushed off, misunderstood. I learned to stay disconnected from those as much as I could.
As I got older, I still had anxiety - still had those deep emotions I was sort of giving place for, but not acknowledging or regulating. I began to figure out how to shut them down even more completely. I gaslit myself for those feelings - I told myself they were just wrong or silly and I didn't have to pay them any mind. I got married and had someone to take care of me, emotionally (so I thought), so I didn't have to worry about those scary feelings anymore. I would be fine. (Spoiler alert: that's not how it works).
Now that I'm emotionally "alone" again, I have this opportunity to finally acknowledge, identify, and understand those scary, confusing, deep emotions. I have the opportunity to lean on God, rather than another fallible human. I don't have to be afraid of my own feelings! I'm learning to give place for those emotions, to slow down my thoughts while I interact with people, so I can identify those emotions (where they're coming from, what they mean, what I can do with them). I'm learning to let go of the fear. I'm learning to hold onto God, who can keep me steady while I learn how to deal with all these things I have struggled with so much.
I'm finally learning how to integrate my emotions into my experiences. I'm learning how to fully connect my heart and mind - with each other and with my spirit. THAT is how I will become whole. THAT is what God wants for all of us.
This is healing. ❤
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