Recognizing Triggers in Parenting

I'm feeling triggered today.

I've been working full time for about 6 weeks. I enjoy my job. I miss my kids while I'm gone, but it's been good for me to work. 

Weekends can be hard. When my kids are with their dad, I often feel lonely and unfocused. When my kids are with me, I tend to feel overwhelmed, triggered, anxious. I've heard so many single parents say, "We weren't meant to do this alone..." and I'm realizing more and more what that really means. 

I'm also recognizing more and more why being a parent is so hard for me. I've experienced unhealthy relationships with multiple individuals in my life and so many of my kids' behaviors remind me of those relationships. How interesting that relationships with adults have been so similar to relationships with children. But all the more frustrating because adults aren't supposed to act that way.

I've recognized the following things people do that sometimes trigger me: 

1. Touching me and insisting that I touch them. I can handle it from my kids for a while. But I get to a point where I'm worn out and wanting to be alone, and my mind and body go back to times when I was expected to give physical affection when I was uncomfortable giving it. Sometimes I freeze, sometimes I get a little panicky, sometimes I get a little angry. Ugh.

2. Expecting me to enjoy forced physical or emotional closeness/intimacy and acting hurt when I don't. I hate this so much. Multiple adults in my life have manipulated my tender heart to suck me dry emotionally, to get what they wanted physically. I hate it. I struggle when my kids do it too. 

3. Expecting me to take their immature behavior in stride and pretend like nothing is wrong. Understandable from kids. From adults? No. And unfortunately, I often have a similar emotional response, whether I'm interacting with adults or with my children. 

4. Constantly pushing my boundaries. This happens all the time, and it's just what kids do. I expected this. What I didn't expect is how hard it would be due to adults in my past wearing me down emotionally, gas-lighting and guilt-tripping me for trying to set boundaries, making me uncomfortable and expecting me to see their blatant disrespect for my boundaries as love. It's so easy to feel defeated if someone pushes my boundary more than once. I've had a tendency to tell myself that they'll get what they want anyway, so I might as well save my energy and stop fighting.

5. Insisting that I give more than I have to give. Kids take and take and take. It's what they do, and that's okay. I didn't become a mom because I expected my kids to give to me. I had kids because I wanted to give to them. I didn't realize at the time how much I would be required to give. I also didn't anticipate becoming single and feeling like I had even less to give. I also failed to see how much people have done this to me in the past and how much it actually bothers me. 

It's kind of hard to write this all out. Part of me wants everyone to think I'm a practically perfect parent. But I'm definitely not, and these are a few of the reasons why. These triggers are mine to own, mine to understand, mine to work through, mine to manage. But I'm not a bad person for getting triggered. I'm not stupid, lazy, mean, or anything negative just because I get triggered. 

I'm a human being who has experienced trauma, and this is what humans do. But I'm determined to heal, to get better, to overcome what I can and healthily manage the rest. 

Because that's also what humans do. We stand back up and keep pushing forward.