On Why I Don't Want to 'Get My Body Back'

32 weeks with Sweet Boy and 32 weeks with Baby Girl

Growing up, I was very thin - I knew it, and I was glad. One less thing for me to feel awkward about, I guess. A couple of years ago, I started to gain weight and I didn't like it. Then I gained 50 pounds with my first pregnancy, and "failed" to lose the last 20 pounds. At the beginning of this (second) pregnancy, I weighed 40 pounds more than I did in high school. I may be 6'3", but a 40-pound weight gain makes even a tall girl look different. I started running last summer in an attempt to lose some weight. I ended up quitting due to some breastfeeding issues that were causing me some discomfort, but I felt frustrated that I'd lost less than 10 pounds. I should have been proud of myself for getting to a point where I could run 5K's, but I let my disappointment eat away at my pride in myself.

Around that time, Kate Middleton had her baby, and people started freaking out about her "post-baby bump." Some people had enough gall to criticize her for still looking pregnant as she left the hospital, mere days after giving birth. That was when I realized that something is terribly wrong with the way our culture thinks. We apparently have no idea nor appreciation for the way women's bodies work, especially when giving life to another human being. All we seem to care about is how thin they are, how quickly they "get their bodies back." Back from what? Are we really grudging our children for changing us physically? 

We talk in glowing terms about how our children change us emotionally, psychologically. We recognize that those changes are hard and painful at times, but we are proud to acknowledge that we are different now. But the stretch marks, the soft bellies, the weight gain? Ugh, no. We need to get our bodies back to where they were before we ever had a child. We are ashamed of how our children have changed our bodies and want to erase every last piece of evidence, if we can. We want no physical reminders of the beautiful time that our children called our bodies home. 

With a sick feeling, I started to realize that I had blindly accepted all these messages we're fed by the media about the importance of "getting your body back" after having a baby. I read a comment on an article about body confidence which essentially said, "Why on earth would I want to look like I'm in high school when I'm a grown woman, a mother?" Yes. I thought. I am so glad I'm not a teenager anymore. Why do I feel the need to look like one? I realized the ridiculousness of trying to hold onto the appearance I had during an awkward, uncomfortable period of my life - simply because people who didn't know or care about me told me I should. Because I was afraid of what "they" would think.

I also recognize that our society's problem extends beyond the realm of criticizing new mothers' bodies, even beyond the subject of weight gain and loss. We (both men and women) are constantly shaming ourselves and each other into striving for an impossible standard of perfection. We not only strive for it, we make ourselves miserable over it.

Now? I'm mad. Mad at myself for buying into it for so long. For feeling bad about my beautiful, incredible body - both now and when it was closer to fitting society's stupid "mold." I'm mad at the media and at companies for abusing their power, for preying on and increasing girls' and women's self esteem struggles in order to sell products. Mad that they're getting away with it. Mad that so many people buy into this "skinnier is always better" mentality and don't seem to know that they're being tricked, fooled, bought. I'm ticked-as-all-get-out that we all think it's "normal" and not a big deal. 

I'm mad that my children - especially my daughter - will have to grow up making a conscious effort to not hate themselves because everything around them is telling them that they should. 

It's fine to be mad, but anger should push one to action. And I am taking my life back. I am stepping forward to say that I am proud of my body, 'extra' weight, stretch marks, soft belly, cellulite and all. I am grateful that my body can think, move, adapt, change, carry children (both inside and outside the womb), and so much more. There will always be things that others can do and be that I cannot. Not everyone's body can do and be all the same things mine can. And that's okay. It is time to celebrate what we can do, and be grateful for how incredibly beautiful and powerful each of our bodies is. Because they are beautiful. And they are powerful.

When my children begin to wonder if their bodies are good enough, I will take them in my arms and tell them that their bodies are gifts. I will remind them of all the incredible things their bodies do. I will tell them that there are people out there who don't like their own bodies and will want to make everyone else feel bad about theirs too. I will tell my children that people wanted to make me feel bad about the way my body changed when I had my sweet babies, but I didn't let them. I will tell them I love my body and I know it is beautiful. And I will tell them that they are beautiful too. Because there is no human being on earth who is not beautiful in some way. We all need to be reminded because we all have a tendency to forget.

I don't want my body back. I want the body I have. I want the body that has borne a child and is carrying another. I want the stretch marks that go with that. I want the body whose back aches a little because I'm carrying two kids. I want the soft belly, the little bit of extra padding that my son (and soon daughter) can snuggle into. I want to take care of myself and I want to be healthy. But I don't want the body I had before I had my children. I want the one I have now.