Letting Myself into My Own Heart
Why is the prospect of letting someone love me so terrifying?
Because I still believe, at some deep, subconscious level, that I don't deserve it. I see what a mess my life is, I even see the progress I'm making, I even see glimpses of strong me (the me I'm capable of being 90% or more of the time someday), and I am deeply afraid that I am unlovable.
Because if I let someone love me, I let them talk me into thinking that all of my mess is secondary to some magical force within me that is lovable. I start to believe that I am lovable despite my mess. But what happens if, at some future point, that person I let love me decides that my mess is too much after all? And they can't handle it and decide that my original assessment of my own unlovability was accurate?
It breaks me. It broke me in so many ways, so many times, over the course of my life. I'm afraid to let someone talk me into believing that I'm lovable in spite of my mess. I'm afraid to trust someone else.
I'd rather trust Fear because Fear hypothetically shouldn't lead me into pain, right? I can stay numb and limited and that doesn't hurt as much as vulnerability.
At the core, I'm still putting too much trust in Fear and other people and not enough in myself and in God. I look to Fear and the opinions of others to tell me how valuable, how lovable, how worthwhile I really am.
This is a huge part of my journey, and I'm starting to get there on a fundamental, emotional level. I'm starting to deeply sense it and wrap my heart (not just my mind) around it. I have a lot of work to do, but I believe it's possible.
I have to break down my walls - the walls I put up to keep myself out of my own heart. I've let Fear and other people in where I refused to allow myself to go. I have to learn how to let myself take up that space and kick everyone else except God out of it.
No more! My heart is mine before it's anyone else's.
Because I still believe, at some deep, subconscious level, that I don't deserve it. I see what a mess my life is, I even see the progress I'm making, I even see glimpses of strong me (the me I'm capable of being 90% or more of the time someday), and I am deeply afraid that I am unlovable.
Because if I let someone love me, I let them talk me into thinking that all of my mess is secondary to some magical force within me that is lovable. I start to believe that I am lovable despite my mess. But what happens if, at some future point, that person I let love me decides that my mess is too much after all? And they can't handle it and decide that my original assessment of my own unlovability was accurate?
It breaks me. It broke me in so many ways, so many times, over the course of my life. I'm afraid to let someone talk me into believing that I'm lovable in spite of my mess. I'm afraid to trust someone else.
I'd rather trust Fear because Fear hypothetically shouldn't lead me into pain, right? I can stay numb and limited and that doesn't hurt as much as vulnerability.
At the core, I'm still putting too much trust in Fear and other people and not enough in myself and in God. I look to Fear and the opinions of others to tell me how valuable, how lovable, how worthwhile I really am.
This is a huge part of my journey, and I'm starting to get there on a fundamental, emotional level. I'm starting to deeply sense it and wrap my heart (not just my mind) around it. I have a lot of work to do, but I believe it's possible.
I have to break down my walls - the walls I put up to keep myself out of my own heart. I've let Fear and other people in where I refused to allow myself to go. I have to learn how to let myself take up that space and kick everyone else except God out of it.
No more! My heart is mine before it's anyone else's.
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