Sensitivity

I can be super sensitive to emotional pain and fear. Like, knowing someone else is afraid or in pain can sometimes debilitate me. I felt this way often as a kid, and it created a lot of anxiety and fear in me. I couldn't watch scary movies, I couldn't think too hard on other people's pain, I would often feel really uncomfortable for people who I perceived had embarrassed themselves in some tiny way. It was really challenging for me.

As I got older, I found ways to cope - I would try to be more selfish, self-centered, as a way to avoid other people's pain. Not that I didn't care, but I tried not to get too close to people because it could be unbearable for me. I would feel responsible for their feelings.

Today, for whatever reason, I'm hypersensitive again. I'm at the gym, thinking I'll go to the "cardio cinema" to watch a movie and maybe escape my own thoughts and other people's feelings for a bit. But the movie today is Godzilla. And it's at the most intense part. People are screaming, the suspense is overwhelming, the monsters are starting to openly attack.

Part of me knows it's just a movie. There are some really interesting things that I want to stick around for. I know that part of me can handle this, but my sensitivity is killing me. I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone else's pain and fear. Whoa.

Instead of feeling completely overwhelmed by that desire, though, I can distance myself from it just enough to start to understand it. I don't have to be afraid of my sensitivity, I just have to figure out how to manage it in a healthy way. Whew this is hard stuff. But I'm excited to be able to see it in a more objective way. 😓