Honoring My Emotions
I made a video the other day talking about how I "check" my feelings, refuse to allow myself to feel them fully. I minimize, deny, ignore my own emotions constantly. I've gotten so good at it that I almost never notice that I'm doing it. I just do it. Like breathing. Being honest with myself about the fact that I do that feels like slicing open my own skin and tugging on some fundamental part of my body. Ouch.
I also said that I didn't know why I do that. And then yesterday I admitted that I do know why - I'm afraid of the immensity and intensity of my own emotions. What if they crush me? Yes, that is part of my fear. But I realized there's another part.
Part of me wants to honor the depth and breadth of my true emotions and I feel that any attempt to put those things into words, to experience them fully, to share them at all with anyone else would cheapen them. I don't want to share my deep, intense, huge emotions with someone only to have them brush me off. I don't want to try to put such powerful things into words only to stare at the page and feel my heart sink as I realize how pale and inadequate the words are to describe the brilliantly terrifying experience of my emotions. That wouldn't be fair to my emotions. And heaven knows I care about being fair.
In short, my perfectionism extends to honoring my own emotions. If I can't honor them perfectly, I don't even want to try. Part of me just can't stand doing something in a messy, flawed, stupid way. It's unbearable to some sliver of my mind, like staring into the sun or touching a glowing coal. I pull away reflexively.
I'm fighting my own mind, the way I have programmed it through years of experience and less-than-healthy conversations with myself. I am my own fiercest enemy. I thought, all this time, I was weak. But it turns out I'm stronger than anyone else I've had to fight.
This battle with myself is the hardest, longest, most confusing, most painful I've ever fought. Perhaps it's time to use that energy to befriend myself.
I don't know how, but I will make it happen.
I also said that I didn't know why I do that. And then yesterday I admitted that I do know why - I'm afraid of the immensity and intensity of my own emotions. What if they crush me? Yes, that is part of my fear. But I realized there's another part.
Part of me wants to honor the depth and breadth of my true emotions and I feel that any attempt to put those things into words, to experience them fully, to share them at all with anyone else would cheapen them. I don't want to share my deep, intense, huge emotions with someone only to have them brush me off. I don't want to try to put such powerful things into words only to stare at the page and feel my heart sink as I realize how pale and inadequate the words are to describe the brilliantly terrifying experience of my emotions. That wouldn't be fair to my emotions. And heaven knows I care about being fair.
In short, my perfectionism extends to honoring my own emotions. If I can't honor them perfectly, I don't even want to try. Part of me just can't stand doing something in a messy, flawed, stupid way. It's unbearable to some sliver of my mind, like staring into the sun or touching a glowing coal. I pull away reflexively.
I'm fighting my own mind, the way I have programmed it through years of experience and less-than-healthy conversations with myself. I am my own fiercest enemy. I thought, all this time, I was weak. But it turns out I'm stronger than anyone else I've had to fight.
This battle with myself is the hardest, longest, most confusing, most painful I've ever fought. Perhaps it's time to use that energy to befriend myself.
I don't know how, but I will make it happen.
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