Finding Myself

I'm on vacation, visiting one of my best friends. We've been watching fun movies, eating good food, talking for hours, and generally having a wonderful time. This afternoon, I've been feeling a little more disconnected. I've been scrambling around a bit, trying to remember what she and I have been talking about so we can start another good conversation. I feel responsible for supplying my fair share (or more, if possible) of the connection in our friendship. I realized I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself that way in most of my relationships. In times like today, when I struggle to put words together or feel social, I've often let my Fear shame me for it. "You were totally articulate and a social butterfly last night. What happened to you? What's the matter with you? Get it together, or this will be just one more piece of evidence to support our hypothesis that you suck and always will." I feel the need to prove Fear wrong, but I can't seem to get out of my own way. My soul is trying to tell me something and I can't just make it stop.

This afternoon, after trying and failing to make good conversation, I could tell that my soul was trying to whisper to me that it needed something. As I let myself listen, I realized that my soul was asking me to spend a little time alone. I felt guilty - I'm here to see my friend and we don't get to visit each other very often. Wouldn't it be rude to say I need to be alone for a while? Would I hurt her feelings?

But, as I said in my last post, I'm trying to give a voice to my "soul words" now. I know that I'm responsible for taking care of my own soul, which means that I need to listen it, speak up for what it needs, and set boundaries to keep it safe and healthy. I can do all these things and still be kind, still be a good friend. In fact, it's necessary for me to take care of myself in this way before I can be much good to anyone else. So I awkwardly asked her if she would mind me taking a little time for myself. Of course she said it was no problem.

I think we all know that, on some level, we need to be "fed" spiritually or emotionally by other people. We all crave human connection, and having healthy relationships can feed us that way. But I also think we often fail to listen to our souls when they whisper that we need to give time and attention to a healthy relationship with ourselves. At least, I know I have.

My soul whispers to me often, and I've realized that, most of my life, I've chosen to let Fear respond to it. When my soul has told me it needs me to spend time alone to care of myself, Fear comes back with, "No, what you need is to shame yourself out of feeling this way. Taking care of yourself is selfish. Go take care of someone else, and then just hope and pray that someone else will come along to take care of you. You can't find yourself - you're not allowed to and you're not capable anyway. Just give it up. You're not that special."

When my soul has whispered to me that I need to spend time finding myself again, I've managed to interpret those whispers as demands to lose myself instead. Love is what encourages me to follow through - to actually take time to find and take care of myself. Fear encourages me to lose myself and make someone else find me (spoiler alert: that doesn't work very well). This has been a big factor in my codependency.

Today, I listened to Love. I recognized what my soul was whispering to me, and instead of turning my back on my soul, I said, "I hear you. Don't worry, I will take care of you. I'm here." That, my friends, is what loving myself looks like: listening to the whispers of my soul and taking responsibility for its well-being. It's getting easier to hear my soul and respond with Love.

"I hear you, Soul. You're not alone. Here's what we're going to do next."