Arriving

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(I know I'm not a great poet, but please do your best to overlook the awkwardness and understand the emotions behind the flawed words.)

I feel
I feel something
But I don't understand

My mind races
Searching for ways
To quiet the discomfort
"Shh. We'll fix this real quick."

I open a bag of chips
I grab a box of cookies
I stare at my phone
For hours
Searching for peace

It's not there
Peace can't be found
In food, on my phone,
On my computer
In other people

Finally,
I walk to my room
I close my door
I breathe
I close my eyes

My heart is a box
I open it
Just a little bit
What's in there?
What am I feeling?

Anger
Resentment
A need to control

What else?
Those things are loudest
But they're not alone
They're not the truth
I open the box a little wider
More light creeps in

Fear
Sorrow
Pain

Ah.
I see you now
I see my truth
I hurt

I see myself as a child
Confused and afraid
Hurting and crying
Alone

Child me is afraid to be alone
Aloneness incites panic
What if she's not big enough
To do this alone?

I have a choice now
I can stand back, watch my child self
Wander alone, hurt, afraid
Or I can reach out and take her hand
I can tell her she's not alone

I'm all grown up now
Part of me is, at least
I can hold my child self
I can tell her I'm here
She will know she's not alone

I am here for myself
My child and adult selves
Are in this together
We are not alone
We are not lonely

The pain is still there
But it's easier to manage
When I am not alone
And I'm not alone

I finally see the truest truth
The truth I have missed for so long
I can be here for myself
I have arrived
I am safe within my own heart
I can protect myself

I am not alone
Not anymore
Not ever again

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