Divorce Feels a Little Like Losing My Family
Since my second pregnancy two and a half years ago, my gag reflex has been more sensitive. So this morning, I was brushing my teeth and I started to gag. I thought to myself, as I rinsed my toothbrush, "It's funny how this pregnancy symptom never really went away...unless maybe I really am pregnant."
But I remember that my stomach has been getting flatter the last few months, not bigger. I remember that I have no more chances to get pregnant. Maybe not ever. I feel hollow. Pain squeezes my heart. I might never be pregnant again. It feels so final. It breaks my heart to think I may never have another baby.
I had briefly considered this possibility before but it hadn't really bothered me until now. Now I feel it. I feel the pain of loss. Even if I do get married again and have another baby, he or she won't have quite the same family. Not that he or she won't be happy, loved, and perfectly fine. But the family my other two kids have is broken. That thought breaks me a little. There is a crack in my heart - for my current kids and any future kids that might have come to our now broken family. Those hopes and dreams are lost. That hurts. I have lost something.
I don't share this because I'm looking for people to make me feel better. I can already hear people saying, "You're young and beautiful. You'll find someone. You can have more kids." I can hear that because I've already heard it from many people. But this isn't the point.
I'm feeling the pain of loss. I am grieving for what might have been. What should have been. And that's okay. I won't always feel this way, but it is good to acknowledge the pain there. My soul is sad because it has lost something, and to take care of my soul, I need to let it grieve.
Maybe this is what people mean when they say divorce is like a death. You lose things. You sort of lose people. Your heart breaks for what might have been. What should have been. It's okay to be sad, to cry, to let your heart be overwhelmed with pain. It won't always be this way, but this is how it is right now. I'm taking care of my soul by letting it be sad for a while.
But I remember that my stomach has been getting flatter the last few months, not bigger. I remember that I have no more chances to get pregnant. Maybe not ever. I feel hollow. Pain squeezes my heart. I might never be pregnant again. It feels so final. It breaks my heart to think I may never have another baby.
I had briefly considered this possibility before but it hadn't really bothered me until now. Now I feel it. I feel the pain of loss. Even if I do get married again and have another baby, he or she won't have quite the same family. Not that he or she won't be happy, loved, and perfectly fine. But the family my other two kids have is broken. That thought breaks me a little. There is a crack in my heart - for my current kids and any future kids that might have come to our now broken family. Those hopes and dreams are lost. That hurts. I have lost something.
I don't share this because I'm looking for people to make me feel better. I can already hear people saying, "You're young and beautiful. You'll find someone. You can have more kids." I can hear that because I've already heard it from many people. But this isn't the point.
I'm feeling the pain of loss. I am grieving for what might have been. What should have been. And that's okay. I won't always feel this way, but it is good to acknowledge the pain there. My soul is sad because it has lost something, and to take care of my soul, I need to let it grieve.
Maybe this is what people mean when they say divorce is like a death. You lose things. You sort of lose people. Your heart breaks for what might have been. What should have been. It's okay to be sad, to cry, to let your heart be overwhelmed with pain. It won't always be this way, but this is how it is right now. I'm taking care of my soul by letting it be sad for a while.
Kara, these have been my exact thoughts lately. I am grieving this same thing. Am I never going to be a mom to another child? Did I only get to be a mom once? Would it just make my daughter's life more difficult if I remarried? Where would she fit in? And what about my former spouse? If he remarried and I remarried, would my daughter even feel like she belonged anywhere? Would she just feel split? Why didn't this work? Why does my daughter have to be the one who suffers the most? I heard a therapist say we are whole people--we aren't halves. I believe that. We are complete, whole individuals. But we aren't a complete whole family without two parents. That is what is hanging me up. It is so sad. I'm grieving that too. What sould have been if there weren't broken covenants. What could have been even if there were broken covenants and there was a willingness to change. It kills me and I'm completely heartbroken. My only thought is that somehow the atonement must compensate for all loss. Somehow, that has to happen for the victims, even my innocent toddler. I know it must be the answer. And I'm still grieving and learning to get to the point of understanding that.
ReplyDeleteKara, these have been my exact thoughts lately. I am grieving this same thing. Am I never going to be a mom to another child? Did I only get to be a mom once? Would it just make my daughter's life more difficult if I remarried? Where would she fit in? And what about my former spouse? If he remarried and I remarried, would my daughter even feel like she belonged anywhere? Would she just feel split? Why didn't this work? Why does my daughter have to be the one who suffers the most? I heard a therapist say we are whole people--we aren't halves. I believe that. We are complete, whole individuals. But we aren't a complete whole family without two parents. That is what is hanging me up. It is so sad. I'm grieving that too. What sould have been if there weren't broken covenants. What could have been even if there were broken covenants and there was a willingness to change. It kills me and I'm completely heartbroken. My only thought is that somehow the atonement must compensate for all loss. Somehow, that has to happen for the victims, even my innocent toddler. I know it must be the answer. And I'm still grieving and learning to get to the point of understanding that.
ReplyDeleteYou ladies are beautiful. My heart breaks for you and I am inspired by your strength and faith. I wish I could send you all the love in the world and remove the pain you and your children do & will face, endure. But I guess pain, poignant and difficult as it is, is part of life and enables growth, to become closer to and more like God. Speaking of Christ's incomprehensible atonement, Elder Wirthlin reminds us, "no matter how dark our Friday, Sunday will come."
ReplyDeleteYou ladies are beautiful. My heart breaks for you and I am inspired by your strength and faith. I wish I could send you all the love in the world and remove the pain you and your children do & will face, endure. But I guess pain, poignant and difficult as it is, is part of life and enables growth, to become closer to and more like God. Speaking of Christ's incomprehensible atonement, Elder Wirthlin reminds us, "no matter how dark our Friday, Sunday will come."
ReplyDelete