Emotional Anesthesia
As a human being, I have a natural instinct to avoid pain. As a child, I learned (both consciously and subconsciously) that this instinct was not only helpful to survival, but also an indication of the morality of a particular course of action. If something hurt, it must be bad or wrong. This conviction was difficult to reconcile with the fact that I would experience discomfort while attempting to complete a task that I "knew" to be good or worth my time. Intellectually, I knew that I wasn't doing something bad, but my subconscious mind has automatically categorized all discomfort as a sign that something is horribly wrong.
This dissonance obviously created more emotional discomfort. Intellectually, I would shame myself for being inexplicably uncomfortable with something " "knew" to be good for me. I didn't understand the source of the discomfort, but I couldn't make it stop. My anxiety would build until I just couldn't handle it, and I would turn to some kind of "emotional anesthetic" to relieve my emotional pain.
Emotional anesthetics either distract my mind or change my body/brain chemistry (often, they do both) so that my conscious and subconscious are no longer warring with each other. I have turned to things like books, movies, Facebook, daydreaming, and sleep to distract my conscious mind. Food has been the main physiological "drug" that gives me a temporary physical high to ease my emotional discomfort; however, the things I use to distract my conscious mind will often also give me a little high each time I use them.
I have tended to gravitate toward books, movies, and daydreams that were romantic in nature. Oxytocin (sometimes referred to as the "cuddling" or bonding hormone) is released in such situations, which can create a sense of well-being and facilitates emotional bonding. Essentially, several of my chosen emotional anesthetics release a hormone that bonds me to the person/object I am spending time with, both giving me a high and strengthening my attachment to (or dependence on) that thing or person. While there is nothing inherently wrong with books, movies, and daydreams, I have been bonding with people and situations that aren't "real" (and let's be honest, most romantic interactions depicted in the media are unhealthy on some level anyway).
I've been numbing myself to the pain and confusion of reality by seeking happiness in false realities. I give myself little "hits" of various "drugs" so I don't have to feel the pain. Unfortunately, a lot of these drugs also paralyze me, emotionally and spiritually. I've been so relieved to not be experiencing pain that I haven't cared that I can't move. In my mind, avoiding pain and discomfort has been more important than anything else. I couldn't accept the idea that discomfort is necessary to the process of growth, so I paralyzed myself and numbed myself to everything. I stayed stuck and "blissfully" unaware that I was missing out on some really good stuff.
Recently, my understanding of pain has shifted. Pain is a sign that something needs to change, not necessarily that something is horribly wrong. I don't need to be paralyzed by pain. I don't need to numb it. I need to choose to lean into the pain. That way I can understand my wounds and heal them properly.
No more numbing. No more drugs. I want to be awake, to lean into the pain, understand it, and let it guide me through my healing.
This dissonance obviously created more emotional discomfort. Intellectually, I would shame myself for being inexplicably uncomfortable with something " "knew" to be good for me. I didn't understand the source of the discomfort, but I couldn't make it stop. My anxiety would build until I just couldn't handle it, and I would turn to some kind of "emotional anesthetic" to relieve my emotional pain.
Emotional anesthetics either distract my mind or change my body/brain chemistry (often, they do both) so that my conscious and subconscious are no longer warring with each other. I have turned to things like books, movies, Facebook, daydreaming, and sleep to distract my conscious mind. Food has been the main physiological "drug" that gives me a temporary physical high to ease my emotional discomfort; however, the things I use to distract my conscious mind will often also give me a little high each time I use them.
I have tended to gravitate toward books, movies, and daydreams that were romantic in nature. Oxytocin (sometimes referred to as the "cuddling" or bonding hormone) is released in such situations, which can create a sense of well-being and facilitates emotional bonding. Essentially, several of my chosen emotional anesthetics release a hormone that bonds me to the person/object I am spending time with, both giving me a high and strengthening my attachment to (or dependence on) that thing or person. While there is nothing inherently wrong with books, movies, and daydreams, I have been bonding with people and situations that aren't "real" (and let's be honest, most romantic interactions depicted in the media are unhealthy on some level anyway).
I've been numbing myself to the pain and confusion of reality by seeking happiness in false realities. I give myself little "hits" of various "drugs" so I don't have to feel the pain. Unfortunately, a lot of these drugs also paralyze me, emotionally and spiritually. I've been so relieved to not be experiencing pain that I haven't cared that I can't move. In my mind, avoiding pain and discomfort has been more important than anything else. I couldn't accept the idea that discomfort is necessary to the process of growth, so I paralyzed myself and numbed myself to everything. I stayed stuck and "blissfully" unaware that I was missing out on some really good stuff.
Recently, my understanding of pain has shifted. Pain is a sign that something needs to change, not necessarily that something is horribly wrong. I don't need to be paralyzed by pain. I don't need to numb it. I need to choose to lean into the pain. That way I can understand my wounds and heal them properly.
No more numbing. No more drugs. I want to be awake, to lean into the pain, understand it, and let it guide me through my healing.
Comments
Post a Comment