What I'm Learning About Love

A while back, I wrote a post about what love isn't. I've been learning more about love and what it should actually look like. I know I have a long way to go still, but I'm getting a much better perspective on it. And I see now that it starts with love for myself.

I used to think love was about losing myself in the will of another person. It's not. Love is about being my own strong, capable, intelligent person and choosing to metaphorically take someone else's hand so we can walk our paths together, for however long we're on the same path. Love means loving myself enough to be willing to follow the path that's right for me, even if I walk it alone sometimes. Love also means being willing to say goodbye to those whose paths diverge from mine - not because they're unworthy of me or I'm unworthy of them, but simply because we are heading in different directions. I can let go with love and wish them well.

I used to think that love meant hating myself if I hurt someone. It doesn't. Hating myself doesn't do a damn thing except keep me small and miserable. It doesn't make anyone else feel better. It doesn't show them that I love them. It doesn't make amends. It just sucks. Love means loving myself enough to say, "I see that I screwed up here. I wish I could have made this mistake without hurting you, but I will try to make it right and do my best to learn from it. I'm so sorry I hurt you." I can do my best to make amends and treat others honestly and kindly, but I cannot make anyone feel better. Thinking I can will only make me crazy. Love means recognizing what I can and can't control, that I will make mistakes, and that owning my mistakes without hating myself for them is a gift to others as well as myself. When I forgive myself for my mistakes, I let other people know that they're allowed to do the same with their own mistakes. That way, we all can actually learn and grow and have deeper relationships. Letting go of self-hatred is a win-win. Holding onto it is a lose-lose.

I used to think that love was supposed to be easy and happy, and if it wasn't, I was doing it wrong. That's not how love works. Love itself is beautiful, it's a gift, it's right and good and lifts us up. Being able to love someone all the time is the thing that's hard. "If it's hard to feel loving toward so-and-so all the time, does that mean this isn't right? Does that mean I'm a bad person?" No. It means I'm human. It means there are a million and one things that make living life hard, and that if things aren't challenging, it probably means I'm dead. Sometimes it's hard to love other people. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try, that I'm doing something terribly wrong, that I should hate them or myself. It means I have something to learn. And that's a very good thing. Love means loving myself enough to let go of perfectionism.

I used to think that love meant accepting whatever treatment another person gave me. It doesn't. Love means loving myself enough to know that I deserve to be treated with respect, that I deserve to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, that I deserve to be considered an equal in all of my relationships. It also means gladly treating others the same way. And if someone in my life is unwilling to do any of those things, then I can let them go with love. I can say to them "I'm walking my path and I only choose to associate with fellow hikers who are respectful and uplifting. You seem to struggle with that, so I'm going to let you find your own place to walk. I wish you well on your journey." I don't have to cling to people who don't respect me. Clinging to people is not loving them. When I love myself enough to see that I'm valuable, I don't need any one person. Needing isn't loving. Love is a choice. I want to be with people because they add value to my life, not because I'm desperate for company. If I love you, it's because I want you in my life, not because I need you for my self-worth.

There are many more things I've been learning about love, but I'll stop here for the time being. The depth of love I'm able to experience and give now, as I am beginning to understand some of these important principles, is stunning. It's beautiful. And I know it gets even better than this. I am grateful for all the painful experiences that have taught me these things. The degree of joy I can experience as a result is more than worth the hardships I've endured to get here.