Life in Color

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So many thoughts. So many feelings. Racing, spinning, begging for me to put them on a page and give them a quiet, predictable home.

I can't get them all down. I try, but there are always more. I feel alive, but sometimes living feels like a little too much. Sometimes I want to go back to being numb. Numbness is calm, quiet, predictable. Safe.

Feeling, thinking, stretching. They're wonderful. I don't want them to stop - not permanently. But they also hurt. They're uncomfortable. They feel scary sometimes. This is hard.

Life in color is, all at once, harder and easier than I expected it to be. More painful and more rewarding than I realized. Different than I'd planned. I love it, but sometimes I hate it.

Living in full color means being able to accept and appreciate extremes, opposites, contradictions, all the gray areas in between.

My soul knows how to do this. My heart and mind still freak out regularly. But I'll get there.

Tonight, my soul longs to fly while my mind and heart just want to feel safe and small for a while.

How to reconcile?

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