Carrion

**This post was written in the middle of a depressive episode. I was really struggling and it helped to write it out. It's somewhat painful for me to read now but it is part of my process and I want to record it. I want to remember. I want to learn from it.**

Knock

Knock

Knock

Please go away. My heart and mind are fragile today.

The pounding begins.

Please?

The door is splintering.

To the corner it is. But there is no hiding. Just praying as my mind continues to numb itself.

The cutest little monsters you've ever seen come bursting into the room. They swarm me, crying, screaming, tearing off every last bit of emotional flesh they can find. They are so hungry.

Wait. Stop, please. My pained cries become barely audible moans.

People say I should enjoy these moments. But I don't. I'm already naked, half of my flesh gone, given to the various masters I hoped would keep me safe.

And yet I'm alone. Alone with the monsters I try my best to love. But some days I don't have enough left to care for them without offering up my own flesh.

Broken and bloody, I lie on the floor. The monsters continue to rage around me, still starving, still angry at me for what I fail to give them. Still lost because they can't care for themselves. Still wondering why their caretaker lies there, useless and pathetic.

I'm sorry. My whisper barely reaches the floor in front of me. I know I should be better. But I'm not.

I'm broken. By the many masters I've given myself to. I have nothing left to give.

These aren't monsters, I remind myself. Only children. Innocent children. They need me. I have to try. For now, I only have the energy to smile at them and tell them to snuggle into my battered, bloodied body. They are mollified. For now.

I try to rest in the quiet. I try to still my trembling soul.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.