Shame
I'm learning that Shame is the most consistently present "monster" in my head.
She has the loudest voice.
She has the sharpest stick.
She wins the day most of the time.
I've fed her more than I've fed most of my other "monsters."
Today, after I've tried to starve her for weeks, she is doing her darnedest to tear me to pieces.
It's almost physically painful. My chest and my stomach feel like they're trying to cave in on themselves. Shame is yelling fiercely and slashing at as many tender places as she can.
"Why would you say that? You assumed that was about YOU? You're an idiot! They're going to hate you now. You're such a failure and it's only getting worse. You don't deserve anyone's love. Don't even think about trying to love anyone else because you don't deserve love in return. How dare you even consider that? Stay small, shut up, sit down, hide or scare everyone away. You know what? It might be better if you just disappeared altogether..."
Normally, I can fight Shame pretty well, but I've been working on keeping my heart open to other people, which Shame has discovered she can use to her advantage. All the vulnerability I've been allowing myself to express also provides more surface area for Shame to jab with her sharp little stick. I am exposed to everyone and everything, and my worst enemy is in my own mind. The more vulnerable I choose to be with others, the more Shame tries to destroy me. She used to pretend to be my friend, assuring me that she was keeping me safe. But the bigger I try to be, the meaner she becomes.
My instinct is to turn to junk food, Facebook, other people, sleep, to make me feel better. To numb me so I become small and shrink the area Shame can wound. It feels safe and easy, in a way. But I hate the idea. I hate it more than I hate Shame now. I will not make myself small anymore.
Today, I'm fighting a fierce battle. I've kept Love small for many years, but I'm letting her grow now. She's becoming stronger, and while she's not quite as experienced as Shame, she's not alone either. I have God and other healthy people in my life to lend her the strength to fight. I don't have to do this alone. Shame wants me to think so, so I don't have a chance at beating her, but she's lying. That's what Shame does.
Shame lies. Shame is a bully. Shame is a coward.
Love will win. I am determined.
She has the loudest voice.
She has the sharpest stick.
She wins the day most of the time.
I've fed her more than I've fed most of my other "monsters."
Today, after I've tried to starve her for weeks, she is doing her darnedest to tear me to pieces.
It's almost physically painful. My chest and my stomach feel like they're trying to cave in on themselves. Shame is yelling fiercely and slashing at as many tender places as she can.
"Why would you say that? You assumed that was about YOU? You're an idiot! They're going to hate you now. You're such a failure and it's only getting worse. You don't deserve anyone's love. Don't even think about trying to love anyone else because you don't deserve love in return. How dare you even consider that? Stay small, shut up, sit down, hide or scare everyone away. You know what? It might be better if you just disappeared altogether..."
Normally, I can fight Shame pretty well, but I've been working on keeping my heart open to other people, which Shame has discovered she can use to her advantage. All the vulnerability I've been allowing myself to express also provides more surface area for Shame to jab with her sharp little stick. I am exposed to everyone and everything, and my worst enemy is in my own mind. The more vulnerable I choose to be with others, the more Shame tries to destroy me. She used to pretend to be my friend, assuring me that she was keeping me safe. But the bigger I try to be, the meaner she becomes.
My instinct is to turn to junk food, Facebook, other people, sleep, to make me feel better. To numb me so I become small and shrink the area Shame can wound. It feels safe and easy, in a way. But I hate the idea. I hate it more than I hate Shame now. I will not make myself small anymore.
Today, I'm fighting a fierce battle. I've kept Love small for many years, but I'm letting her grow now. She's becoming stronger, and while she's not quite as experienced as Shame, she's not alone either. I have God and other healthy people in my life to lend her the strength to fight. I don't have to do this alone. Shame wants me to think so, so I don't have a chance at beating her, but she's lying. That's what Shame does.
Shame lies. Shame is a bully. Shame is a coward.
Love will win. I am determined.
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